to give is to get

i sometimes worry that i am not a good aunt. i never have gum...i never want to play UNO...and i really don't need to see an 8 year old do 13 cartwheels in a row. what does this mean?

a friend recently read my palm and said that i would likely have three children..then followed up her prediction saying, "i really can't see you handling 3 children!"..and really, she is right.

i love babies...i could hold babies all day long. the crying doesnt bother me, the spitting up doesnt bother me, i can even handle changing diapers. but make me responsible for anything that can talk back and request my attention...then i need a glass of wine, some herbal sedatives and a man named sven to massage away my worries.

does this mean i am not meant to have children? will i be one of those mothers who shakes their child to death for chewing with their mouth open? i remember when i was babysitting as a pre-teen and snatching a bottle from a three year old and thinking i was destined to be an abusive parent. how do i know?

i was reading an magazine article today about a man who had no idea of the power that becoming a parent actually have over someone. he became a new person, fully and completely in love with his new baby. he felt like a totally new person; a stranger to what he once was...but really...he had not changed, he had just been found. i want to be found. by a baby..by a man...by a dog..by the sunshine on a december day...i just want to be found. i need to be needed, valued, desired.

and even if i am not needed, i need to need something. today, i need to write. i need to be able to vent, i need to share, i need to be open. i hope this continues...this writing, this giving, this opening up. sometimes i feel too closed and i need to surpass that. i'm quiet you know. please let me be loud.

xox