Non Scale Victory

..instead of having a Jumbo Freezie, i had a glass of Crystal Lite.

that is all.

go me :)

*deep breath out*

so, i went for some bloodwork on Saturday as the doctor wanted to check out a few things.  i got a call lastnight to say the doctor wanted to see me.

it startled me a bit, as i am used to lab results taking over a week to process..so i got in the car and went right to the walk-in clinic to get my results.  having to wait 2 hours sure beats worrying about it for days.

so many possibilities were running through my head:  pregnancy, fertility problems, PCOS, kidney problems...as the doc tested for a wide range of things.

turns out, it is just my old thyroid.  i am on meds, but apprently they just need to be upped - phew!  hopefully this increase in meds will help out the weight loss efforts a bit, as i feel like my weight hasn't budged in so long (even when i am completely OP).

i have to go back for more bloodwork at the end of june, to make sure that the increase in my dose was sufficient.  nothing to worry about at all!

phew!

..a little ray of sunshine

so here we are on Monday.  my points reset on Friday, and i am already at -7 for my weekly points.

it's gonna be one of THOSE weeks, is it?

we ate out and ate too much crap on the weekend, so i know where i went wrong.  from shawarma and roasted poatatoes to pho and springrolls - i just went overboard.

you would think i would be raring to go to earn myself some activity points to counteract this deficit, but i am not.  you would think i would be planning a low point dinner as to not further damage my points count, but i am not.  you would think i would just pour the already opened bottle of wine down the drain since i don't have the points for it anyhow, but i will not.

i am not good at saying NO to myself, unless it involves something that is actually good for me, it seems.  i suck.

in non-weight loss news...my wedding invitations came in the mail today.  they are a little ghetto.  i know i took the risk going through a discount type company, but i am a little disappointed.  they will get the job done, i just hope i am not judged poorly for them.  they are pretty, the finishes are just lacking.  when you go into wedding planning with a non existant budget, these things happen.

..at this rate i am not even going to fit into a wedding dress.  smarten up, pamela.

i was doing so well..

so, i am bummed today.

my mood has been great since the weekend and i really thought that things were looking up, but then i got a bit of a blow to the goodness this morning.

i got an email from one of my bridesmaids today saying that she can no longer commit to standing up with me.  i know it is a lot to ask of someone to stand up with you at a destination wedding, so i kind of felt this coming.  i didn't know who it was going to be, but i had a feeling that at least one person would be backing out.

i am not mad, or angry about it.  i am just sad.  this is a very good friend - a kindred spirit even.  she has helped me find out what i want in life and has encouraged me to live out my dreams, and i am just really sad that she won't be there to stand up with me.

she said that the possibility of her coming to the wedding is still a possibility, but when the odds of her NOT being able to come are so high, she didn't want to still be counted in as a bridesmaid and end up letting me down.  a noble one she is.

so i have been poopie and mopey (and several other sad dwarf sounding names) all day and i can't shake it.  i am trying to convince myself to go out for a walk in the sunshine, but i am not an easy sell.

**insert several minutes of self talk and reflection**

..and off for a walk i go.

chinese market pics

fresh scallops

clams

dungeness crab

huge crabbies

market-man fishing for a customer

freakishly large king crab

turtle, turtle

these shrimp were as big as my hand!

blue crab trying to escape!

now that's more like it!

so here we are, another Monday - and i feel fan-diddly-tastic!  how unlikely!

i feel totally re-energized after this weekend.  i think i just needed a sleep in, spend some time with C and get some sunshine on my skin.

we had a really nice weekend.  saturday was spent grocery shopping (oh. my. god. $450 for two people?) and crossing a few things off the to-do list at the registry (which ended up being a comedy of errors).

it seriously took us 4 tries to actually get stuff done at the registry:

Take #1 - we get to the registry parking lot and realize that we left the new proof of car insurance at home.  so we went home to get it.

Take #2 - in line at the registry, we realize that C did not bring a proof of address.  we leave the line and get back in the car, only to realize that the proof of insurance we just retrieved has the new address on it.  get back in line at the registry. 

Take #3 - we actually get to the desk, and C signs all the paperwork to change his stuff...and his debit card doesn't work.  girl behind the desk is pissy.  we say we will be right back and walk to the bank at the other end of the plaza, she voids all paperwork and chucks it. 

Take #4 - back to registry.  lineup is three times as long as it was originally was, but we have cash in hand and all documentation and finally get tasks accomplished.  what a gong show.

after that craziness we treated ourselves to lunch at a place that has intrigued us since we saw it, but we had never been to.  it is called Mucho Burrito: Fresh Mexican Grill.  basically, it is like Subway or Pita Pit for mexican food!  they make AMAZING burritos where you choose your size, meat and toppings and it is awesome.  so fresh, so good, and such friendly staff.   AND they have their nutritional info online!  a perfect combination!

saturday evening we just watched the Habs game, ate a little sushi, cuddled on the couch and watched Slumdog Millionaire.

on Sunday we got up and out and went for Dim Sum at a place that has had pretty good reviews.  C ordered his usual chicken feet, tripe and grossness and practically climaxed at the table.  the best Dim Sum he has had - and he has had a lot.  it was very fresh and reasonably priced and i thought it was okay.  he will probably try to drag me there every weekend.  not so points friendly when you accidently order deep-fried noodles.

we then wandered around the asian supermarket and saw some really awesome stuff.  their seafood section was huge and AMAZING and we got a fabulous deal on some beef tenderloin.  a vacuum sealed bag of fresh (not frozen) tenderloin that would be about $30-$40 at the grocery store was $17!!  and we also picked up some frozen crab claw meat.  about 50 crabs worth of claw meat for $7.99.  craziness!  it was a fantastic shop and we had fun checking out all the new and crazy stuff.

it was a weekend full of regular old mundane activities, but we enjoyed ourselves.  and here we are, back to Monday.

i woke up this morning determined to get fully, 100% back on track with positive thinking.  i joined the Endless Summer challenge on the GDT and have decided that i WILL be under 220 by the end of the summer.  that is SO doable.  that is less than 1.5lbs per week, easy peasy (ha!).  i am not usually one for goal making, but i find this mini-goal to be something that is completely achievable for me.  i have a fridge and freezer full of great food and there is no reason i can't do that.

i want to start trying on wedding dresses by the end of the summer and i feel like i will feel capable of doing that (without wanting to slit my wrists) once i am under 220.  that is familiar territory to me.  before i ballooned to 265, i had never been over 218...so once i am back around there again, i will feel MUCH more in control of my weight and my life.

i have no need to be 125lbs.  i would be content at under 200lbs.  i would be ecstatic to be 175lbs.  i can so make this happen.

so, kidlets - that is all for now.  i feel like i have written a novel.  but it feels good to be excited about what this journey has in store for me.

happy monday!

xox

let the sunshine in...

..and face it with a grin.

i am feeling a bit more positive about things today.  getting out of bed was still a challenge, but it is friday and i think that has lit a small fire under me.

i joined two weight loss challenges today.  one is on the Destination Wedding message board i frequent, and the other is on the GDT.  i think anything to keep me accountable and feeling competetive about my losses is a good thing.

C also picked up a few groceries on the way home from work lastnight which means i can get back to my regular delicious breakfasts (which really helps me to stay on track i think)....so i have a few things in my corner today.

work is still quiet and depressing, but i should be using this time to get some advertising together.  people aren't going to call me randomly, i have to start looking for them.  i need to stop sitting back and hoping that things will fall into my lap.

today was my weigh-in day and i came in at 245.5lbs.  not great, but not terrible either.  i need to get below that 243 again and it will be smooth sailing i think.  i have been contemplating what kind of exercise i might actually look forward to - and i think i need to track down an aquafit class or something.  i am a total water baby, and i think i would really enjoy that.  it sucks not having anyone to go with, but maybe i would make friends.  i will look into this today.

i would love to get back into running, but i am so heavy i think i might hurt myself, so i will wait until i am down a few more pounds.

it is going to be a gorgeous day and a gorgeous weekend (19-20C) so i hope to get out there and enjoy it with C.  no sitting on the couch for us!

thank you friday for putting a smile on my face!

just call me Negative Nelly.

well, i have been a bit of a downer lately - and i am afraid that today is not going to change that.  i have a whole lot of "woe is me" thoughts to get out today.

the last thing a blog reader wants to read constantly read about how crappy someone feels, so if you are looking for a pick me up, just close out the window and move on your way.

i had trouble getting out of bed again today and i still don't know why.  i had trouble even opening my eyes.  i finally got myself out of bed, looked at my naked self, got on the scale, sighed, looked at my naked self again and started to freak out.

this whole weight loss thing is not working out for me.  i am scared that it is never going to work for me.  it is like i don't want it badly enough, but i also want it so badly at the same time.  i have said it before, and i will say it again - i am not getting married in this body.

i feel like i still need to find that magic program that works for me.  i remember when i was on Herbal Magic and i wanted so badly to get back onto WW, because there was so much freedom.  i could eat pretty much what i wanted and just needed to count these little points?  NO PROBLEM!

then why, when i am in the midst of it, does it seem like an impossibility?  WW is not difficult.  there is tons of freedom to eat whatever i want, i just need to watch portions.  you would think that would be a dream come true - but i am struggling.  i am eating way better than i was when i put this weight on, but still it won't budge.

i try my best to practice positive thinking and manifestation for the things i want, but for this last week i just feel like i will never ever be able to lose all of this weight and keep it off.  no wonder i am struggling.. with a thought process like that.

so i have to try and figure out how to change that.  in the fall i went to a hypnosis seminar and bought hundreds of dollars in CDs to listen to - and i can't even manage that!  i can't manage to lay in bed for a half hour and think good thoughts and relax?  jesus woman, a size 8 body isn't going to fall out of the sky!  i have to actually put forth some effort here, but that seems to be the problem.  i have no effort to give.

i am not looking for pity and a "there, there, you will lose the weight"...i am merely just trying to get  this crap thought process out there and figure out how to make it all work for me.

i am still feeling clueless.

busy doing nothing

i wish i had a couch in my office and i could just curl up in front of the space heater and nap the afternoon away.

i am still feeling unreasonably tired and unmotivated.  i can barely get myself out of bed, and then i flop into my office chair and have zero drive to do anything.  it is always when i am in these moods that i start second guessing my career decision.

the decision to start my travel business came with a lot of coercing from C.  he just thought it was the best idea in the world.  he loves the idea of me being able to stay home and work and not be out driving the crazy streets of calgary.  he likes having a home business so we can write off a lot of stuff (which certainly doesn't hurt) and he likes the idea that i can be kind of home with the kidlets when we start popping them out.

i, however, had reservations from the beginning.  i left the travel world really jaded and disliking the job.  i got sick of answering the same questions all of the time.  i don't know why i thought this time around would be different.  i also feel like getting into a home business when you have freshly moved to a new town isn't the greatest idea.  i have almost zero opportunity to meet people and be social, AND there is not a whole lot of money coming in which has us living off of credit cards.  it is just not a pretty picture.

it has only been 3 and a half months, so i am certainly not going to call it quits quite yet, but i think i regret the decision almost every day.

it actually isn't the job situation that has me feeling glum - but it gets to be the punching bag.  i really don't know what else is up.  PMS maybe?  my cycle is so effed up, i have no idea when to expect it anymore, so maybe that's it and maybe it's not.

the doctor at the walk-in clinic i visited lastweek (for a Rx refill) is actually sending me for some hormonal testing since my periods have been so wonky.  she mentioned PCOS which scares the bejeesus out of me, but i won't panic until i know more.  maybe my thyroid meds just need to be upped.

anyhow, i have a lot more doing nothing to do, so i better get on that.

my poor liver.

i have felt like a zombie since getting back from Penticton - but lordy did we have fun.

it was the first time C had met my extended family and he loves them.  he said it was the best wedding he had ever been to, and he already misses everyone.  i love that.  i love that he thinks they are awesome, and that they all think he is awesome too.  i can't even count how many people came up to me to say how great they think C is and what a cute couple we are.   awww, bless.

so here we are, back in cold, snowy cowtown and we are having trouble getting back into routine.  i didn't overeat while we were gone and actually managed to lose a few pounds, but as soon as we got home - i wanted to eat the pantry door.

so, i have been struggling to stay on plan.  i have been snacking on all of the naughty roadtrip snacks we bought and didn't finish (including cherry blasters, punjabi mix and mini-eggs) and have been eating spaghetti like it is going out of style.

you would think that all of the terrible pictures of me being posted around facebook by family members would do the trick and make me want to fast for 30 days - but alas, food is just too damn good.

so, for the rest of the week i will be trying to hop back on that wagon.  i am just hoping not to do a faceplant in the process.

xox

..and she's off!

we are off to Penticton bright and early (dark and early?) tomorrow morning! 

our plan is to be out of the house by 5am - so we will probably be out of the house by 5:30am, and then stop for coffee and not actually leave town until 6am.  oh the joys of living with a sexy beast who takes longer to get ready than me.

i am taking my laptop with me, so you might even get an update.

cross your fingers for sunny skies and wildlife sightings!!

have a great weekend!

xox

i'm...too sexy for my jammies.

god i look hot right now.

no bra, 3 day old blue tshirt, black pioneer covered pyjama pants and 4 inch (damp) heels.  hubba hubba.

i have just finished some cleaning around the house in preparation for our trip to BC this weekend.  my bestie's sister is cat-sitting for us, and my dad and stepmom will be coming back with us to check out our Calgary digs, so things need to be in tip top shape!  oh, and the heels - i am trying to stretch them out.

that is one thing that BITES about being 80lbs heavier than your former high-heel wearing self...your feet just can't take the torture!  but lord, they really are cute.

as mentioned last time, my eating has not exactly been on par with where it should be - but it has also been worse.  what makes me feel better, however, is knowing that many of you bloggy ladies are struggling as much as i am.  we can get this done ladies, we just have to figure out what works for us and focus.

i have pondered the Core/Simply Filling plan, but i don't know if that will work for me.  and i have pondered just working on eating healthy, and not counting points (but i think my weight will quickly skyrocket)...so here i am, a slave to the etools.

i have been pretend counting today (keeping track in my head), but i can pretty certainly say that i won't be counting when i go away.  my only conscious efforts will be to not eat cheesies all the way to the border.  they are my roadtrip weakness. 

maybe i will take those 14 hours in the car to have a heart to heart with myself about how to make this all work for me.  sound good, self?  sounds good.

somebunny loves you.

so here i sit, eating one of several still-warm chocolate chip cookies.

we have no chocolate eggs or bunnies in our our house, but chocolate has still managed to creep in.

being family-free in alberta, we didn't have a huge easter dinner, but we have a few good friends to take us in.  lastnight we went to my friend J's house for a fabulous turkey dinner and met some new friends.  meeting new people is important when you are in a new town, and J has some good friends.  we spent part of the evening getting excited about camping and getting eaten by bears.  well, not being EXCITED about being eaten by bears, but just the details therein.  i can't wait for camping season!

so, today, we had a lazy day and C made us a ham dinner.  we became one with the Eat, Shrink and Be Merry cookbook, and had TheBlahshank Redemption (yummy ham leggy goodness) with Viva Las Veggies (roasted veggies with a gratin crust) and my own scalloped taters.  it was a yummy 3pm dinner, and here we are at 7pm, and down two bottles of wine.  oh sunday, i love you.

so, my eating has been less than stellar this weekend.  i have not tracked and have just assumed that i have used up my Flex points for the week.  sometimes, calculating recipes just gets too complicated.

so here i am, eating more freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and hoping my Spanx do their job in Penticton this week.  deeeee-lish.

back away slowly.

i am so annoyed at my lack of weight loss today.  not even upset, or sad...but full out annoyed, and reading the WW boards isn't helping the situation.

we've got people in their baggy pants, people who ate like shite all week and lost 2 pounds, people who are 50lbs down.  that should be me!!

i stick to my points all week long and still, i gain.  sure, i am not stellar at following the GHG, but back when WW didn't even have those, you were still expected to lose.  but me?  nah, i gain 3lbs instead.  it is soooo frustrating.

i had a great loss last week and was so stoked about it, but when i keep on following plan and i gain it all back - it sure takes the joy away from it all.  am i going to have to eat salad and chicken for the rest of my life to get this weight off and keep it off?

granted i have thyroid issues, but i never even consider that in my weight loss.  i am on meds and therefore, i think it is ruled out as a non-weight-losing factor.  it is so frustrating.  i wonder if all of my yo-yoing over the years has caught up with me now that i have hit 30.

grrr...i just have that angry feeling bubbling up in my tummy that makes me want to scream - and i am SO not that person.  i don't know why the anger is creeping up on me today, i have never raised my voice in anger in my whole life.  it is not like i feast on chocolate and chips and fried foods and wonder why i am not losing.  i eat good healthy food, and i stick to points and it is all for nothing.

*deep breath*

ok.  i need a plan. 

i know i need to exercise more.  and i know i need to cut back on sodium-riddled foods at lunchtime.  i will work on these.

maybe i will bulk up more at lunch and have an afternoon snack instead of eating at 12:00pm, and then at 8:00pm when C gets home and is ready for dinner.  maybe i should make my 8 o'clock meal a mini-meal.  but lord, what will i eat in the afternoon?  i think i am tired of cooking and thinking of meals.  what i would give for a personal chef...

ok, back to reality.  the plan.

9:00am - breakfast (i have got this one down.  cottage cheese and tomato, i love it and it is low points and it gets me through til lunchtime)  2 points

12:00pm - lunch (i often have a wackload of pasta, or an asian noodle soup (think gourmet Mr Noodles i guess, which is crazy high in sodium).  if we have leftovers, i will eat it, but usually all leftovers go with C to work.  i ate salad everyday when i was losing big with Herbal Magic, but i like having something warm for lunch now.  i will work on this.)  10 points

4:00pm - mini-meal  (this will be new.  i finish work at 4pm, and usually just start guzzling water to keep me full until dinnertime.  maybe i should have a tuna sandwich (again there's that sodium) or greek salad or cheese and crackers at this time.  something with protein and carbs to keep me full for a few hours.) 8 points

8:00pm - dinner (this time varies between 7pm-9pm, but being so late, maybe i should make this a lighter meal.  i know there is so much controversy about 'eating late' vs. 'a calorie is a calorie'...but it would be something different to explore.  this is usually a meat, a veg and a salad/starch.  i will take the portion sizes down a lot.  i usually leave about 15 points for this late dinner, and maybe i really should cut that in half.) 10 points

so...there it is.  a game plan.  we hardly have any groceries in the house, but yesterday was payday - so once we stock up, i will put this in motion.  whining about not losing will not help me lose, so let's hope Plan B is more effective.

what have i got to lose (besides 80lbs that is)..

xox