hello, old friend

it has been over 4 years since i wrote in this blog.  and it is amazing what can happen in those four years.

in 2005, i had just returned from a life changing year in australia.  it was a time in my life when i wore a bikini at 200lbs and did not care what anyone thought of me.  i went to the beach 5 days a week and all i ate was chickpeas and tuna because that was all i could afford after drinking away my waitressing tips on the weekends.  it was a good year.

since then, i have changed careers, fallen in love, moved across the country, lived in the deep dark pit of despair that is northern alberta, became a cat momma, got engaged, moved to glorious calgary, started my own business, and have since decided that i want to spend the rest of my days, with the love of my life in the middle of the mountains collecting rainwater to shower in.  i am growing up.

the one thing that has not changed in those four years is the battle with my weight.  the last time i wrote in this blog i was a weight loss consultant who had just shed 40lbs and i was smokin'.  i had confidence (in all my pixie haired glory), i wore a size 10 and i was so happy with myself.

unfortunately, after running out on my career of weight loss counselling, i dove into a vat of kraft dinner and never looked back.  so here i am, with zero self esteem, wearing a size 20 and weighing more than i could have ever imagined.  i feel like it happened overnight and i had no control over it.

i know they say that when you fall in love and are happy that you get a little lax and can gain a few pounds -but i gained 90lbs.  NINETY POUNDS of happiness.  and look where it got me - to the saddest place i have ever been.

i joined weightwatchers a few times over the years to get in control of this weight loss beast and it never took.  this time around on WW, i have lost 12 pounds in 8 months.  seriously?  i could have been down 80lbs by now, and i ate away the opportunity.

so i am hoping that writing about the adventure will get me back on track.  i used to write everyday, and i loved it.  it was cathartic, and i thought it made me a better person.  so i am taking that love of writing, with the severe need to lose weight and am hoping they help get me to where i need to be.

i am getting married in 10 months, and i WILL NOT be wearing a size 20 wedding dress.  i will start trying to have babies as soon as i am married, and i will not be an unhealthy 250lb pregnant woman.

i want to be healthy, i want to be beautiful, i want to be happy with who i am.  it's my time.