just call me Negative Nelly.

well, i have been a bit of a downer lately - and i am afraid that today is not going to change that.  i have a whole lot of "woe is me" thoughts to get out today.

the last thing a blog reader wants to read constantly read about how crappy someone feels, so if you are looking for a pick me up, just close out the window and move on your way.

i had trouble getting out of bed again today and i still don't know why.  i had trouble even opening my eyes.  i finally got myself out of bed, looked at my naked self, got on the scale, sighed, looked at my naked self again and started to freak out.

this whole weight loss thing is not working out for me.  i am scared that it is never going to work for me.  it is like i don't want it badly enough, but i also want it so badly at the same time.  i have said it before, and i will say it again - i am not getting married in this body.

i feel like i still need to find that magic program that works for me.  i remember when i was on Herbal Magic and i wanted so badly to get back onto WW, because there was so much freedom.  i could eat pretty much what i wanted and just needed to count these little points?  NO PROBLEM!

then why, when i am in the midst of it, does it seem like an impossibility?  WW is not difficult.  there is tons of freedom to eat whatever i want, i just need to watch portions.  you would think that would be a dream come true - but i am struggling.  i am eating way better than i was when i put this weight on, but still it won't budge.

i try my best to practice positive thinking and manifestation for the things i want, but for this last week i just feel like i will never ever be able to lose all of this weight and keep it off.  no wonder i am struggling.. with a thought process like that.

so i have to try and figure out how to change that.  in the fall i went to a hypnosis seminar and bought hundreds of dollars in CDs to listen to - and i can't even manage that!  i can't manage to lay in bed for a half hour and think good thoughts and relax?  jesus woman, a size 8 body isn't going to fall out of the sky!  i have to actually put forth some effort here, but that seems to be the problem.  i have no effort to give.

i am not looking for pity and a "there, there, you will lose the weight"...i am merely just trying to get  this crap thought process out there and figure out how to make it all work for me.

i am still feeling clueless.