i was looking at my wrinkles today. after having dyed away my grey hair the other day while pondering my ticking internal clock, i found myself wondering what kind of anti-aging eye cream to purchase. what the hell?! i am 26 years old...i have lived a great, full life thus far (which hasnt been all that long in the grand scheme of things), and every wrinkle and laugh line on my face, i have earned..and frankly, i should be damned proud. the whole crazy preoccupation of looking younger than we are made me think of one of my favourite mottos for life:
..."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO - What a Ride! "
so get out there...stop worrying about that grey hair or that pimple. stop comparing yourself to others, and just do what makes you feel good. you wont be laying in your death bed wishing that you had purchased that eye cream...so go out there, get a sunburn while smoking a cigarette and downing a bottle of tequila and enjoy every minute of it!
xox
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
danger: ambition overload
sometimes i find myself in a flurry of too many thoughts. i feel like my mind is pulling me in so many directions, trying to make sense of my life...but i get so overwhelmed and just end up stagnant, doing the same things everyday.
at what point does it become easier to make sense of all these dreams? these ambitions? i sometimes feel like i need a sign from the stars that will just tell me which pathway to take, so i can stop stressing about it. i found myself in a full blown panic attack the other night, complete with nausea and the shakes...it was as if my whole body just short-circuited and shut down. i have analyzed the heck out of my life in the following days...and do you know what life altering decision i ended up making? abosolute nothing.
i realized that it is okay to be confused. that the world will not end if i dont decide by Labour Day what career path i should take. i need to take a personal inventory, play around with a few ideas, and maybe at that point things will be a little clearer. who knows, by this time next year i may be in new zealand working as a divemaster. i may be out in BC working in a winery, gathering the tools to perhaps one day open my own. perhaps i will be selling some of my photos to lonely planet or national geograpahic. or maybe i will be sitting at this same computer on this uncomfortable wooden stool making a living writing about my future nervous breakdowns. and you know, maybe i will even enjoy it!
so until then, pardon me if i bombard you with uncertainties and pipedreams. is that not what life is all about anyhow? maybe the most exciting thing to look forward to, is not knowing at all.
xox
at what point does it become easier to make sense of all these dreams? these ambitions? i sometimes feel like i need a sign from the stars that will just tell me which pathway to take, so i can stop stressing about it. i found myself in a full blown panic attack the other night, complete with nausea and the shakes...it was as if my whole body just short-circuited and shut down. i have analyzed the heck out of my life in the following days...and do you know what life altering decision i ended up making? abosolute nothing.
i realized that it is okay to be confused. that the world will not end if i dont decide by Labour Day what career path i should take. i need to take a personal inventory, play around with a few ideas, and maybe at that point things will be a little clearer. who knows, by this time next year i may be in new zealand working as a divemaster. i may be out in BC working in a winery, gathering the tools to perhaps one day open my own. perhaps i will be selling some of my photos to lonely planet or national geograpahic. or maybe i will be sitting at this same computer on this uncomfortable wooden stool making a living writing about my future nervous breakdowns. and you know, maybe i will even enjoy it!
so until then, pardon me if i bombard you with uncertainties and pipedreams. is that not what life is all about anyhow? maybe the most exciting thing to look forward to, is not knowing at all.
xox
Thursday, August 18, 2005
it's not the little things that matter
cuz im not so little anymore!!
..so i never claimed that math was my strong point..and that was certainly demonstrated yesterday when i was trying to figure out someone else's height and realized that i had the math all wrong! without getting into the nitty gritty, let me just leave you with the only tidbit that matters.....IM NOT 5'4!!!!!!!
i am back into the world of 5'5 (though, i am rounding up a little more than i thought neccesary)....but at least im not rounding up to 5'4 like i was before. who knew that this actually mattered that much? ...or does it actually matter all?
all i know, is that once again, all is well and right in the (non-midget) world...
xox
..so i never claimed that math was my strong point..and that was certainly demonstrated yesterday when i was trying to figure out someone else's height and realized that i had the math all wrong! without getting into the nitty gritty, let me just leave you with the only tidbit that matters.....IM NOT 5'4!!!!!!!
i am back into the world of 5'5 (though, i am rounding up a little more than i thought neccesary)....but at least im not rounding up to 5'4 like i was before. who knew that this actually mattered that much? ...or does it actually matter all?
all i know, is that once again, all is well and right in the (non-midget) world...
xox
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
forced to let go
isn't it amazing how people from your past can just sneak up on you and kick you right where it hurts? people who have been out of your life for years and years....the same people you saw evolve into grownups, but you thought you would never hear from again?
i got an MSN message lastnight, just as i had hopped into bed...and of course, curiousity got to me...so i checked up on it. turns out it was an old flame of mine. someone who i once thought was my soulmate. anyhow, we last talked about a year ago and he told me that he was planning on asking his current girlfriend (the one that came right after me) to marry him. i figured it was coming, so i wasn't all that taken aback.
so, then, you ask.....why would i feel like i had been kicked in the gut when i was so lovingly informed lastnight that she was expecting his child?
babies are just so final i guess....and just knowing that this guy had gone from virginal churchgoer to party-dude to loving father caught me a little off guard. everyone around me is growing up and i am kind of being left behind.
so after the shock (and nausea) had subsided, i got over it...i wish all the best for him, i really do...but next time, i hope the old beaus keep the juicy details to themselves.
xox
i got an MSN message lastnight, just as i had hopped into bed...and of course, curiousity got to me...so i checked up on it. turns out it was an old flame of mine. someone who i once thought was my soulmate. anyhow, we last talked about a year ago and he told me that he was planning on asking his current girlfriend (the one that came right after me) to marry him. i figured it was coming, so i wasn't all that taken aback.
so, then, you ask.....why would i feel like i had been kicked in the gut when i was so lovingly informed lastnight that she was expecting his child?
babies are just so final i guess....and just knowing that this guy had gone from virginal churchgoer to party-dude to loving father caught me a little off guard. everyone around me is growing up and i am kind of being left behind.
so after the shock (and nausea) had subsided, i got over it...i wish all the best for him, i really do...but next time, i hope the old beaus keep the juicy details to themselves.
xox
Saturday, August 06, 2005
cuz joe said so...
so i have this busdriver named joe. he drives me to work everyday, accosting me as soon as i get on the bus so i will sit close to him and chat for the whole engrossing 20 minute ride. you know that annoying chick who sits up front and talks to the driver? ya, thats me.
joe and i talk about things all across the spectrum, from psychics and family to barbequeing and wine. today's topic of conversation? one of joe's favourite...my love life.
joe has been away on holiday for a couple of weeks (it was amazing to actually get caught up on my reading in one of the backseats like a normal person while he was gone), and he wanted some updates on my dates and the weddings i have been to. so i filled him in on the fiasco with the ex and he jumped right in with his usual, "oh pam, you will know when you find someone right...relationships are all about compromise, but you have to find someone who actually CARES about you, not just someone who likes you.." followed with the ever so flattering yet totally overdone, "you are so attractive, beautiful and nice, that you will find the right guy."
we occasioanlly touch on things a little more controversial, such as the multicultural state of mississauga or child rearing. he has a funny way of saying something that i disagree with off the bat, but that suddenly makes sense coming from a little 50-something italian fella. today, it was the concept of people making mistakes.
joe started off the discussion by saying that no one actually makes mistakes unless they want to. i jumped in with an immediate rebuttal (sometimes a mistake actually is a mistake...), but i tell ya, i think joe actually does know what he is talking about. he made me realize that in life (or in this particular case, a relationship), a person almost always know whats the consequences are. a person who cheats knows that the person he is cheating on will get hurt. there is no mistake in cheating, it is merely a choice. you chose to make a wrong decision, you chose your actions and you chose your own course of action.
i am often guilty of giving someone the benefit of the doubt (everyone deserves a fair chance, right?)..but sometimes you have just gotta stand up for yourself...and i have given a few too many people a few too many chances.
from now on, *I* am the one who is going to do the chosing. *I* am the one who is going to stop getting hurt, and *I* am the one who is gonna take my life (and my relationships) into my own hands! it may have taken me 26 years to figure this out, but i think it's about time that is sunk in.
now if only i could get a date with that transfer.....
xox
joe and i talk about things all across the spectrum, from psychics and family to barbequeing and wine. today's topic of conversation? one of joe's favourite...my love life.
joe has been away on holiday for a couple of weeks (it was amazing to actually get caught up on my reading in one of the backseats like a normal person while he was gone), and he wanted some updates on my dates and the weddings i have been to. so i filled him in on the fiasco with the ex and he jumped right in with his usual, "oh pam, you will know when you find someone right...relationships are all about compromise, but you have to find someone who actually CARES about you, not just someone who likes you.." followed with the ever so flattering yet totally overdone, "you are so attractive, beautiful and nice, that you will find the right guy."
we occasioanlly touch on things a little more controversial, such as the multicultural state of mississauga or child rearing. he has a funny way of saying something that i disagree with off the bat, but that suddenly makes sense coming from a little 50-something italian fella. today, it was the concept of people making mistakes.
joe started off the discussion by saying that no one actually makes mistakes unless they want to. i jumped in with an immediate rebuttal (sometimes a mistake actually is a mistake...), but i tell ya, i think joe actually does know what he is talking about. he made me realize that in life (or in this particular case, a relationship), a person almost always know whats the consequences are. a person who cheats knows that the person he is cheating on will get hurt. there is no mistake in cheating, it is merely a choice. you chose to make a wrong decision, you chose your actions and you chose your own course of action.
i am often guilty of giving someone the benefit of the doubt (everyone deserves a fair chance, right?)..but sometimes you have just gotta stand up for yourself...and i have given a few too many people a few too many chances.
from now on, *I* am the one who is going to do the chosing. *I* am the one who is going to stop getting hurt, and *I* am the one who is gonna take my life (and my relationships) into my own hands! it may have taken me 26 years to figure this out, but i think it's about time that is sunk in.
now if only i could get a date with that transfer.....
xox
Thursday, August 04, 2005
life as i have known it has been forever altered
i had a very upsetting realization today. i dont know why it is so important, but the matter of the fact is that, yes, it *IS* upsetting and there is not a cotton-pickin thing i can do about it. it changes who i am and what i believe myself to be. yes everyone, this is big.
today i found out, ever so dissapointingly, that i am only 5 ' 4" tall. all my life, (well, my full grown adult life)..i have always been 5'5. it was a good number. a nice symmetrical number...a NORMAL number. but today, i have been deemed "short."
who knew my height had such a bearing on who i was...but come on people, 5 foot 4??! and that is pushing it...i actually had to round UP! so what do i do with this information? do i go and change my licence? do i have to actually phone everyone in my phone book who describes me as the one with "blue eyes, brown hair, 5 foot 5 inches tall.." and let them know the dirty truth of the matter? or do i continue the facade?
i've always known i would shrink as i got older, but between the extra grey hair today and the height thing today...it can get pretty darn depressing. pretty soon i'm gonna have to wear heels on the bus so joe can see me over the ticket taker!
so to all those i know, please prepare yourselves to see the Incredible Shrinking Woman the next time we are together...and to the Machete Weilding Little Lady whose job-loss is still being blamed on me....HA HA, im still taller than you!!
xox
today i found out, ever so dissapointingly, that i am only 5 ' 4" tall. all my life, (well, my full grown adult life)..i have always been 5'5. it was a good number. a nice symmetrical number...a NORMAL number. but today, i have been deemed "short."
who knew my height had such a bearing on who i was...but come on people, 5 foot 4??! and that is pushing it...i actually had to round UP! so what do i do with this information? do i go and change my licence? do i have to actually phone everyone in my phone book who describes me as the one with "blue eyes, brown hair, 5 foot 5 inches tall.." and let them know the dirty truth of the matter? or do i continue the facade?
i've always known i would shrink as i got older, but between the extra grey hair today and the height thing today...it can get pretty darn depressing. pretty soon i'm gonna have to wear heels on the bus so joe can see me over the ticket taker!
so to all those i know, please prepare yourselves to see the Incredible Shrinking Woman the next time we are together...and to the Machete Weilding Little Lady whose job-loss is still being blamed on me....HA HA, im still taller than you!!
xox
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