back away slowly.

i am so annoyed at my lack of weight loss today.  not even upset, or sad...but full out annoyed, and reading the WW boards isn't helping the situation.

we've got people in their baggy pants, people who ate like shite all week and lost 2 pounds, people who are 50lbs down.  that should be me!!

i stick to my points all week long and still, i gain.  sure, i am not stellar at following the GHG, but back when WW didn't even have those, you were still expected to lose.  but me?  nah, i gain 3lbs instead.  it is soooo frustrating.

i had a great loss last week and was so stoked about it, but when i keep on following plan and i gain it all back - it sure takes the joy away from it all.  am i going to have to eat salad and chicken for the rest of my life to get this weight off and keep it off?

granted i have thyroid issues, but i never even consider that in my weight loss.  i am on meds and therefore, i think it is ruled out as a non-weight-losing factor.  it is so frustrating.  i wonder if all of my yo-yoing over the years has caught up with me now that i have hit 30.

grrr...i just have that angry feeling bubbling up in my tummy that makes me want to scream - and i am SO not that person.  i don't know why the anger is creeping up on me today, i have never raised my voice in anger in my whole life.  it is not like i feast on chocolate and chips and fried foods and wonder why i am not losing.  i eat good healthy food, and i stick to points and it is all for nothing.

*deep breath*

ok.  i need a plan. 

i know i need to exercise more.  and i know i need to cut back on sodium-riddled foods at lunchtime.  i will work on these.

maybe i will bulk up more at lunch and have an afternoon snack instead of eating at 12:00pm, and then at 8:00pm when C gets home and is ready for dinner.  maybe i should make my 8 o'clock meal a mini-meal.  but lord, what will i eat in the afternoon?  i think i am tired of cooking and thinking of meals.  what i would give for a personal chef...

ok, back to reality.  the plan.

9:00am - breakfast (i have got this one down.  cottage cheese and tomato, i love it and it is low points and it gets me through til lunchtime)  2 points

12:00pm - lunch (i often have a wackload of pasta, or an asian noodle soup (think gourmet Mr Noodles i guess, which is crazy high in sodium).  if we have leftovers, i will eat it, but usually all leftovers go with C to work.  i ate salad everyday when i was losing big with Herbal Magic, but i like having something warm for lunch now.  i will work on this.)  10 points

4:00pm - mini-meal  (this will be new.  i finish work at 4pm, and usually just start guzzling water to keep me full until dinnertime.  maybe i should have a tuna sandwich (again there's that sodium) or greek salad or cheese and crackers at this time.  something with protein and carbs to keep me full for a few hours.) 8 points

8:00pm - dinner (this time varies between 7pm-9pm, but being so late, maybe i should make this a lighter meal.  i know there is so much controversy about 'eating late' vs. 'a calorie is a calorie'...but it would be something different to explore.  this is usually a meat, a veg and a salad/starch.  i will take the portion sizes down a lot.  i usually leave about 15 points for this late dinner, and maybe i really should cut that in half.) 10 points

so...there it is.  a game plan.  we hardly have any groceries in the house, but yesterday was payday - so once we stock up, i will put this in motion.  whining about not losing will not help me lose, so let's hope Plan B is more effective.

what have i got to lose (besides 80lbs that is)..

xox

no foolin'

i am not a big fan of April Fool's Day...or getting fooled in general.

i don't even like watching shows where OTHER PEOPLE get fooled.  like that french one with no words that plays on comedy central?  i start to feel really uncomfortable when i see those people made a fool of or tricked in some way or another.  i even had to stop watching Ellen today when she pretended to be a fortune teller.

i'm a good girl, what can i say.

so there better not be any Foolers out there.

i do love that it is calendar change day though.  i love being able to flip the page over each month and have a whole blank slate and a beautiful new photo to look at.  in my office i have a Greece Calendar, full of white stucco buildings, blue roofs and calm water and up in the kitchen i have a zen calendar with peaceful scenes.

wow, you know you have hit a low point in life excitement when you start to blog about the pictures on your calendar.  maybe it's best to call it quits for today.

xox

don't tell the boss..

here we are, another absolutely dead day at work. 

this is not good news for a business owner.  i really should be taking this time to work on some advertising materials and maybe organizing my office a little bit - but instead i am ridiculously pre-occupied with wedding planning!

i have started a blog for myself to help with my wedding planning.  i am putting tons of inspiration pics up of what i want, and things the resort offers.  i am having a lot of fun doing it and am hoping it helps to keep me organized.

i am torn between giving the URL out to my bridesmaids and my mom to see what they think and to give them a bit more of an idea of what i am planning, but i may post ideas for gifts for them and stuff...so i am also thinking i should keep it to myself.  it kills me to do that.  i am a total open book and terrible secret keeper!

the scale has not been my friend so far this week.  i know i splurged on some things over the weekend, but i still have 10 flex left, so i feel like the scale should more gentle.  i am planning on not using any more WP this week - so hopefully the scale starts moving down a bit.

i should start planning some healthy snacks to take on the road trip to Penticton in 10 days.  i can't believe it has come up so quickly!  i am super excited to get away and the drive is just going to be stunning.  i just have to stay away from the cheesies and corn nuts in the car as they are my go-to roadtrip foods.  hmm, healthy snacking is no fun.

what are your favourite OP road trip foods?

to market to market..

we just came back from a lovely afternoon at the Outdoor Adventure Show and the Farmer's Market!

we were hoping to see lots of a camping stuff at the Outdoor Show, but it was mostly reps from different travel companies, recreational areas and adventure activities.  we picked up a SLEW of brochures and have lots of fun things to go through this evening.  we even saw Mantracker!

attatched to the Outdoor show, there was also a Go Green trade show.  C was in his element, and loved getting as much info as he could about solar panels and composting toilets!  i tried hemp milk - and i suggest you never do this.  *gag*

we then took a little jaunt to the Farmer's Market for the first time since moving here.  they had some AMAZING food stalls there, but dissapointingly, the produce was actually a lot more expensive than the grocery store.  the meats looked amazing though.  we tested some things here and there (mmm, jalapeno and cheese bison sausage - incredible) and sat down for a quick bite from the Ukranian booth.  we split a plate with a cabbage roll, pierogies, saurkraut and schnitzel.  i was jonesing for pierogies, so it definitely filled the gap.  certainly not a points friendy choice, but it was so worth it.

so now we are just chillaxing at home and going through brochures.  C has fresh bread dough rising in the kitchen, and i am enjoying having all of the windows open and the fresh air blowing in.  what a gorgeous day!

oh, and yesterday we went to the mall to find a dress for the BC wedding.  being a "Big Girl" there aren't a whole lot of choices, but i had some coupons for Addition Elle and ended up going with something from there.  it isn't really my style, but it fits nicely and is flattering - so it will do.  maybe i will post a pic tomorrow.

if only this content lazy sunday feeling could last for days...

a little friday procrastination

hello my little bloglets...

i am sorry i have been neglecting you.  i have just dived (dove?  divven?) headfirst into wedding-land and i didn't think you would want to come with me.  i think i will create another blog for wedding planning, just to keep my thoughts straight, and to keep those around me sane.

so here we are again, my beloved friday.  i have slacked ALL week, and i really don't think today will be any different.

this morning, however, i jumped outta bed and was super excited to hit the scale as i knew i rocked it this week....and i am down 3.5lbs to 243!  yipeee!  i am totally going to reach the 230s before i go to BC and i am so stoked about that.

this weekend i have to go dress hunting for this wedding, and i hope i can find something cute, cheap and that makes me look like a million bucks!  as always, i will drag C along with me, as he likes to sit in the comfy man chairs in the dressing rooms and watch the fashion show!

i will post what i find!

okay, seriously, i should get even just a little work done today.  just a smidge.  and then maybe i will pimp out a wedding blog...

no one should have to work all day on friday.  stamped it.  no erasies.

mama mia..

it seems that every conversation i have with my mother ends up about weight.

every woman in my family has had weight issues, so it is something that has been in my face since i was a chubby 4 year old.  i remember both of my parents (who were divorced at the time) taking me to the family doctor to find out why i was fat.  that is exactly what a nine year old needs, to be asked, "do you like being fat?"..yeah, because that didn't scar me at all.

my mom has tried it all over the years, from jenny craig and nutrisystem to weight watchers and Dr. Berstein.  she saw the most success with Dr. B (as most people do), going from a size 16 to a size 2.  this lasted a year or so until she started eating again (what a shocker).  but this experience has brainwashed her into believing that you cannot lose weight while still eating like a normal person.

so mom goes on these diets where all she eats everyday is chicken and broccoli.  she loses 25lbs, and then after a couple of bad weekends, she is back to where she started.  i can't seem to get through to her than you need to eat normally in order to keep the weight off.

so, we just ended another conversation about how she has put her most recent loss of 17lbs back on.  she asked me how my diet was going, and i said i was hanging steady at about 15lbs gone.  "Oh, you have the same trouble as me.." she says.  well, not exactly.  i have never stopped eating what i loved and am losing it slowly, and am keeping the majority of my weight off.

no wonder i am stressed about seeing my family in a couple of weeks, and of fitting my own behind in a wedding gown.  my family is fixated on size and weight.  and even though i know they love me for who i am, i know they are judging.  that's who we are - we are judgers.

so, all i can do is put on my happy face, pretend i am confident and that i love my body and hope that they believe it.

piglets and chicklets and and kidlets, oh my!

we spent a fantastic day at Aggi Days down at the Stampede Centre today!  it was a hands-on Agricultural show with an Acreage Lifestyle show alongside.

the animals were abosolutely adorable.  we saw a lot of this:

and a lot of this:

i seriously could have watched the piglets and the kidlets all day.  they were so entertaining and all had such personality!  we had a great day!

eating-wise i have been a little off for the last couple of days.  i have counted and tracked, but i have guessed about a lot of stuff.  i had a hotdog at the fair which was sooo good.  it has been so long since i had yummy mystery meat.  but i just had one (at $5 a pop, this was a no brainer)  and counted it the best i could.

we got home late and were both craving all sorts of delectable barbecued meat (which was ironic, considering where we just came from), but settled on some delicious homemade potato salad (with enough mayo in it to clog our arteries in 3 bites) and some grilled chicken.  i have the points for it, so why not!

i haven't exercised in a few days, i have just been feeling lazy.  but i should get moving again tomorrow.  whenever i think about trying wedding dresses on i get a little freaked out and remember what i am working towards!

i won't be a fat bride, i won't be a fat bride, i won't be a fat bride.

pass the water.

coercing the scale..

so i kinda had a loss the week...kinda.

i woke up on wednesday to 245.5, Thursday to 246 and today to 248.  a gain?  not bloody likely.

i was retaining a lot of water this morning, so i took my meds, had some pee-inducing tea, my brekkie and waited it out.  i re-weighed myself at noon and came in at 246.5.  i'll take it!!

so i may have twisted the scale's arm to clock myself at a loss today, but i knew it was owed to me.  i think tomorrow's number may be even more accurate so i may take that one instead. 

i like the numbers, and i like when the numbers like me.

i feel compelled to write a lot today and press the enter key more times than neccesary just to shove those pictures from yesterday down a little farther.  ick.

soooo..

so?

so.

ok, enough of that nonsense.  enjoy your friday everyone!

xox

it is horrifying...

...but i did it.

here are my body shots as of today, March 18th, 2010.  i am 246lbs.

gah!  they are a little grainy, but you get the picture.

this hurts my heart to look at it, and know that YOU are looking at it, but i think it is part of the process and i cannot wait to see the changes over the next few months and even the next few years.

tomorrow is weigh-in and i think it is going to be pretty good.  i am a eating like i am getting over scurvy today!  lots of healthies!  i had cottage cheese and tomato for brekkie (which i adore), lunch was a big salad with tuna, tomato and cuke and a cup of asian noodle soup.  and for dinner it will be spaghetti squash with a chicken tomato sauce with zucchini, mushrooms and peppers.  lots o' veggies today.

c'monnnn scale.....mama needs a smaller pair of gotchies!

aye aye ariba ariba!

i love thunderstorms.

i love big old fat raindrops that flood the streets and dark black skies in the afternoon. 

thunderstorms are one of my favourite things about summer, alongside the searing temperatures and tan inducing sunny goodness, of course.  i really miss these storms in the wintertime, and i love that we are in the season where the rain is returning.

the sky is darkening here in Calgary.  it is only 10C, so i don't anticipate a raging thunderstorm, but it would be nice to have a hard rainfall for a while.  i think it would be appropriate for the grass to start turning green on St. Paddy's Day.

i have just finished (half of) a zumba workout which made me feel both great and crappy at the same time.  i think it is so much fun, and i love the music and the dancing - but the video i am doing is just so fast that i am out of breath in the first 2 minutes and i get frustrated that i can't move this body of mine quite as fast as the tight little latinas on the video.

i think the workout gives me a few goals to work towards though...

1) to actually be able to finish the thing (it is 55 minutes long, and so far i have just managed the first 30 minutes)
2)  to keep up with the incredibly fast steps and gyrations
3)  to actually look hot doing it, like the rest of those hip swivelling chiquitas

i'll get there, one merengue at a time.

brrrr....

it was supposed to be a whopping 19C today, but it only peaked out at 13C.  not impressed.

i was hoping to take my laptop and work phone out in the backyard this afternoon to catch some rays and soak up the warmth while i worked...but it wasn't warm enough, sunny enough or quiet enough at work to get away with it.  boo. hisss.

both C and i had to work late again tonight, so no exercise for me either.  i am still expecting a client to call this evening and i don't want to be huffing and puffing if he calls mid-zumba.  but heaven help him if he even thinks of calling during LOST.  he may be cute (i stalk my clients on facebook) - but looks will not forgive that sin.

just heard some worrisome news from my dad that my stepsister went to the hospital for fever and vomitting and ended up having emergency surgery lastnight to remove a 4" tumor on her ovary which was cutting off her blood supply.  so my thoughts are with her for the next few weeks until she gets biopsy results.

my eating has been good, but i am a starvin' marvin' right now so i best be fixing dinner.  on tonight's menu, steak, scalloped potatoes and steamed broc.  mmm mmm good.

i hate jillian michaels..

...but i am a warrior.

i almost didn't get a workout in today.  i ended up working a bit later than usual and i thought that C and i would go for a walk when he got home.  but alas, he had to work late too, and i couldn't justify just sitting there on the couch waiting for his cute patootie to walk through the door.  so i did it! 

stupid shred...frickin....frackin...jillian...frick.

i am proud of myself though.

in other random thoughts, i miss my sister today.  she lives in ontario and is 10 years older than me... but god, when we get together we LAUGH.  we have the same twisted senses of humour and i miss having someone (other than C) who really gets me.  it is hard not having any girlfriends around.  i am really bummed that she won't be able to come out for the family wedding in BC in April.  guess i will just have to spend all day every day at wine tastings and hope i forget how much i miss her.  *tear*

owning it.

i am absolutely exhausted (for no good reason), but i thought i would get a little bloggity before going to bed.

we had a nice relaxing weekend, and i am sad to see monday come. 

this morning we set out with a plan to find a great Dim Sum place in calgary and we ended up at a chinese buffet (eeek, scary!)...this was a total exercise in self retraint, but i think i passed.  i got only the stuff i loved, and i enjoyed every bite.  i ended up using most of my points in that one meal today, but i ate it, tracked it and owned it.

i even had a couple glasses of wine when i got home, and i still half half my flex left for the rest of the week.  i think that counts as a success.

C starts his new work schedule this week, which means i will have him home at 5:30pm instead of 8:00pm which is AWESOME.  i feel like a lot of my challenges with weight loss in the last few months have come because we have been eating dinner at 9pm.  i am so looking forward to eating at a normal hour and maybe even have time to go for a walk afterwards.  this will deifnitely work in my favour (and i get to have him around more which is a huge bonus!)..

i will take some underoo pictures this week, i promise (because i am sure you are all waiting for them with baited breath...ha!)...

...and a quick note to the universe:  'i am going to be 175 lbs again - make it so.'

g'night.
xox

come what may..

i feel very tranquil and at peace today.

it has been a very lackadaisical day..just lazing on the couch, doing a little baking, a little tidying, and a little soul searching.

i have been thinking a lot about my work lately.  my business.  my future.  and i am not too sure what path to take.

i have my own travel business.  i work closely with one of the biggest travel brands out there.  i love travel .  i love being my own boss.  it seems like a logical pairing, no?  but i don't love my job.  i find it frustrating and repetative.  i don't have confidence in myself and what i have to offer my clients.  quite frankly, i would rather spend my life doing something else.

a good friend of mine, L, sent me a link today to a pretty awesome video:

http://www.ted.com/talks/gary_vaynerchuk_do_what_you_love_no_excuses.html

it is a very successful business man talking about what it means, and what it takes to be a successful business owner.  and one of the first things he says is that, "if you don't love your job - stop doing it.  there is no reason in this day and age that you should have to make a living doing something you don't love."

this hit home for me.  but it also scared me.  what else is there to do?  i went out on a limb to start this business, and i love the perks of working from home and being my own boss.  what else could i do that would allow me the same liberties?

in a perfect world i would be writing a book.  i would be taking photos and i would be getting paid for it.  people would know and love my work, and doing these things i enjoy would pay the bills.  but living life as a freelance author/photographer ain't gonna bring home much bacon.

as i have pondered this today, i have felt very calm - as if today is a day where i take an important step in the direction that my life was meant to go.  does that mean that i will pack up the travel brochures and shut down the business?  no.  i will continue to work on that, and work on loving it.  maybe i just need to change my attitude, and put forth more energy on making the business successful and enjoyable, instead of lamenting my choice.

that certainly doesn't mean i will be doing this job forever, but maybe just until my passion gets off the ground in whatever realm it chooses to embody.  i am anxious to see where i end up.

oh yeah, in weight loss news...

...because that is why we are here after all!

i had my WI today and was down 2 lbs and am back down to my lowest weight on this round of WW (247).  i tracked all week, and even got some activity in!

i have been feeling super focused and i am so determined to look in that mirror and actually like what i see.

i am sooo ready to say goodbye to the 240s and plan to do it before i go to BC on April 8th - and you can hold me to it!

mountain momma

C and i have lofty dreams.  we talk about them often, and we talk about them with complete belief that they will come to fruition.  if you can't believe in your dreams, what can you believe in?

we have been spending the last few weeks searching for property in the mountains.  yes, we live in Calgary and can see the mountains from the front walk, but that just isn't good enough for us.

the last time we went to Banff, as we drove through the craggy Rockies, i had this feeling in my heart - behind my heart even - it was a feeling that that was where i really belonged.  looking at the mountains fills me up inside, and i think i could be infinitely happy to live amongst them.

we are looking for a farmhouse on a couple of acres, where we can look UP and see the mountains, not just see them in the distance.  i want land where our (future) dogs can gallop in the fields.  i want to take mountain walks each day, with a baby strapped to my front, pointing out different trees and birds.  i want our children  to grow up playing in the trees and lakes, and not sitting in front of a tv playing video games.

we want to install solar panels on the roof and collect rainwater to shower in.  we want a huge fruit and vegetable garden.  i want to spend the change of each season jarring food to have on hand for the rest of the year.  we want to live off the grid and be self sufficient.

i want to continue to work from home.  i love the idea of being home with my kids and still being able to bring in some money for the family.

i want to wake up in the morning and only hear the sound of the birds and the water nearby.  i want to walk out my front door and not see a neighbour anywhere.  i want to see the sun rise over the peaks and set over the lake.  i want to have weinie and marshmellow roasts in the backyard whenever the kids want to.

i just want to be.

i don't want to worry about rushhour traffic or road rage.  i don't want to hear the neighbours through the wall.  i want peace, quiet, nature and freedom.

we want to be close enough to a larger town so that we have amenities when we need them, and C will need to work, of course.  we hope that there might be a job for him with Parks Canada, or one of the local resorts.  we have looked at the Alberta side of the Rockies and the BC side, and there are some amazing properties out there.

so as we both get up for work each day, this is what we are working towards.  talking about this dream makes us smile, brings us closer and makes our hearts sing.

it is going to be one hell of a happy ever after.

i licked the bowl clean

it is amazing how greatly my mood can change from one day to the next.  yesterday i was vile. 

• i hadn't had my ridiculously neccesary 10 hours of sleep the night before..
• i was swamped and overwhelmed at work all day and it was all in vain; not a penny to show for it...
• i had to feud it out with the government regarding an overpayment of my EI which i magically have to find the money to pay back...
• i was arguing with cem about whether we should do our taxes ourselves or send them out...
• i was upset that the kitchen was a mess and i am almost always the one who actually cleans it...

it just wasn't a good day. 

and then today, after a glorious 10 hours of dead-as-a-log sleep...the sun came out, in every sense!  cem got approved for a new work schedule that will grant us enough money to both pay the rent AND buy groceries!  he also got approved for the jaunt we are taking to BC for my cousin's wedding next month.  i organized a payment plan with the government.  i have a booking in the works at work.  my legs ache from yesterday's workout (i like that feeling).  cem is off to a hockey game tonight in the company box which he is thrilled about (so i am thrilled for him).  AND i had such a wicked lunch of faux-alfredo, i licked the bowl clean!

i have struggled a lot lately with a lot of things, which is unlike me.  i am a pretty laid back person and it takes a lot to get me stressed or worried, but my whole life has been a big ball of stress for the last year.  i think there finally might be light at the end of that tunnel.

a lobatomy for one, please

the mean old Shaw cableguy came and took our digital cable boxes away today.  it wasn't because we hadn't paid them or anything, but money is rather tight at the moment and we thought we would downsize.

i think it is a good step, not only because of the savings, but because i think we spend far too much time sitting in front of the tv instead of doing intellectual things like reading, talking to each other, or having wild monkey sex.

but it also means that we have to be subjected to basic cable craziness such as According to Jim and Reba - yikes!  just shoot me now.

now that summer is around the corner, i think that this will help to get us off the couch and out into the real world.  we have become rather anti-social since moving to Calgary.  sure, we don't have many friends here, so it is to be expected.  but with me working at home, cem being off work and home with me for 5 days at a time, and us having no money - i can go weeks without speaking to anyone else but cem and the cats.

the scary thing is, the cats are starting to talk back.

xox

putting it all out there

today i decided, what better way to own up to this need for change, than to post the picture that started the ball rolling.

if you look to your right, i have just posted the glorious Before picture.  it still makes me shake my head to look at it, as i never thought i was that big.  i have the opposite problem of all of the anorexics out there.  instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a fat person, i look in the mirror and see a thin(ish) person.  maybe that is how the problem started.  no one, other than the photographer, has ever seen that photo.

also to your right you have one of my favourite pictures of myself.  skinny, happy, glowing me (circa 2005).  when i come to this page everyday, instead of looking at the Before pic and hating myself, i will look at the Old (soon to be New) Me pic and get excited about becoming that girl again.

i think this week i will take some real progress pic in my underoos (ok, maybe a bit more than that), and post those to keep me accountable. consider that your first warning. it won't be pretty.

anyhow, i had a great weekend and tracked it all, even the three bottles of wine.  i refuse to give up the things i love as i know it will never stick in the long run...and wine is certainly no exception!  ditto to the homemade bread that cem has been making several times a week.  i am a lucky girl.

until next time.
xox

hello, old friend

it has been over 4 years since i wrote in this blog.  and it is amazing what can happen in those four years.

in 2005, i had just returned from a life changing year in australia.  it was a time in my life when i wore a bikini at 200lbs and did not care what anyone thought of me.  i went to the beach 5 days a week and all i ate was chickpeas and tuna because that was all i could afford after drinking away my waitressing tips on the weekends.  it was a good year.

since then, i have changed careers, fallen in love, moved across the country, lived in the deep dark pit of despair that is northern alberta, became a cat momma, got engaged, moved to glorious calgary, started my own business, and have since decided that i want to spend the rest of my days, with the love of my life in the middle of the mountains collecting rainwater to shower in.  i am growing up.

the one thing that has not changed in those four years is the battle with my weight.  the last time i wrote in this blog i was a weight loss consultant who had just shed 40lbs and i was smokin'.  i had confidence (in all my pixie haired glory), i wore a size 10 and i was so happy with myself.

unfortunately, after running out on my career of weight loss counselling, i dove into a vat of kraft dinner and never looked back.  so here i am, with zero self esteem, wearing a size 20 and weighing more than i could have ever imagined.  i feel like it happened overnight and i had no control over it.

i know they say that when you fall in love and are happy that you get a little lax and can gain a few pounds -but i gained 90lbs.  NINETY POUNDS of happiness.  and look where it got me - to the saddest place i have ever been.

i joined weightwatchers a few times over the years to get in control of this weight loss beast and it never took.  this time around on WW, i have lost 12 pounds in 8 months.  seriously?  i could have been down 80lbs by now, and i ate away the opportunity.

so i am hoping that writing about the adventure will get me back on track.  i used to write everyday, and i loved it.  it was cathartic, and i thought it made me a better person.  so i am taking that love of writing, with the severe need to lose weight and am hoping they help get me to where i need to be.

i am getting married in 10 months, and i WILL NOT be wearing a size 20 wedding dress.  i will start trying to have babies as soon as i am married, and i will not be an unhealthy 250lb pregnant woman.

i want to be healthy, i want to be beautiful, i want to be happy with who i am.  it's my time.