i hate jillian michaels..

...but i am a warrior.

i almost didn't get a workout in today.  i ended up working a bit later than usual and i thought that C and i would go for a walk when he got home.  but alas, he had to work late too, and i couldn't justify just sitting there on the couch waiting for his cute patootie to walk through the door.  so i did it! 

stupid shred...frickin....frackin...jillian...frick.

i am proud of myself though.

in other random thoughts, i miss my sister today.  she lives in ontario and is 10 years older than me... but god, when we get together we LAUGH.  we have the same twisted senses of humour and i miss having someone (other than C) who really gets me.  it is hard not having any girlfriends around.  i am really bummed that she won't be able to come out for the family wedding in BC in April.  guess i will just have to spend all day every day at wine tastings and hope i forget how much i miss her.  *tear*

owning it.

i am absolutely exhausted (for no good reason), but i thought i would get a little bloggity before going to bed.

we had a nice relaxing weekend, and i am sad to see monday come. 

this morning we set out with a plan to find a great Dim Sum place in calgary and we ended up at a chinese buffet (eeek, scary!)...this was a total exercise in self retraint, but i think i passed.  i got only the stuff i loved, and i enjoyed every bite.  i ended up using most of my points in that one meal today, but i ate it, tracked it and owned it.

i even had a couple glasses of wine when i got home, and i still half half my flex left for the rest of the week.  i think that counts as a success.

C starts his new work schedule this week, which means i will have him home at 5:30pm instead of 8:00pm which is AWESOME.  i feel like a lot of my challenges with weight loss in the last few months have come because we have been eating dinner at 9pm.  i am so looking forward to eating at a normal hour and maybe even have time to go for a walk afterwards.  this will deifnitely work in my favour (and i get to have him around more which is a huge bonus!)..

i will take some underoo pictures this week, i promise (because i am sure you are all waiting for them with baited breath...ha!)...

...and a quick note to the universe:  'i am going to be 175 lbs again - make it so.'

g'night.
xox

come what may..

i feel very tranquil and at peace today.

it has been a very lackadaisical day..just lazing on the couch, doing a little baking, a little tidying, and a little soul searching.

i have been thinking a lot about my work lately.  my business.  my future.  and i am not too sure what path to take.

i have my own travel business.  i work closely with one of the biggest travel brands out there.  i love travel .  i love being my own boss.  it seems like a logical pairing, no?  but i don't love my job.  i find it frustrating and repetative.  i don't have confidence in myself and what i have to offer my clients.  quite frankly, i would rather spend my life doing something else.

a good friend of mine, L, sent me a link today to a pretty awesome video:

http://www.ted.com/talks/gary_vaynerchuk_do_what_you_love_no_excuses.html

it is a very successful business man talking about what it means, and what it takes to be a successful business owner.  and one of the first things he says is that, "if you don't love your job - stop doing it.  there is no reason in this day and age that you should have to make a living doing something you don't love."

this hit home for me.  but it also scared me.  what else is there to do?  i went out on a limb to start this business, and i love the perks of working from home and being my own boss.  what else could i do that would allow me the same liberties?

in a perfect world i would be writing a book.  i would be taking photos and i would be getting paid for it.  people would know and love my work, and doing these things i enjoy would pay the bills.  but living life as a freelance author/photographer ain't gonna bring home much bacon.

as i have pondered this today, i have felt very calm - as if today is a day where i take an important step in the direction that my life was meant to go.  does that mean that i will pack up the travel brochures and shut down the business?  no.  i will continue to work on that, and work on loving it.  maybe i just need to change my attitude, and put forth more energy on making the business successful and enjoyable, instead of lamenting my choice.

that certainly doesn't mean i will be doing this job forever, but maybe just until my passion gets off the ground in whatever realm it chooses to embody.  i am anxious to see where i end up.

oh yeah, in weight loss news...

...because that is why we are here after all!

i had my WI today and was down 2 lbs and am back down to my lowest weight on this round of WW (247).  i tracked all week, and even got some activity in!

i have been feeling super focused and i am so determined to look in that mirror and actually like what i see.

i am sooo ready to say goodbye to the 240s and plan to do it before i go to BC on April 8th - and you can hold me to it!

mountain momma

C and i have lofty dreams.  we talk about them often, and we talk about them with complete belief that they will come to fruition.  if you can't believe in your dreams, what can you believe in?

we have been spending the last few weeks searching for property in the mountains.  yes, we live in Calgary and can see the mountains from the front walk, but that just isn't good enough for us.

the last time we went to Banff, as we drove through the craggy Rockies, i had this feeling in my heart - behind my heart even - it was a feeling that that was where i really belonged.  looking at the mountains fills me up inside, and i think i could be infinitely happy to live amongst them.

we are looking for a farmhouse on a couple of acres, where we can look UP and see the mountains, not just see them in the distance.  i want land where our (future) dogs can gallop in the fields.  i want to take mountain walks each day, with a baby strapped to my front, pointing out different trees and birds.  i want our children  to grow up playing in the trees and lakes, and not sitting in front of a tv playing video games.

we want to install solar panels on the roof and collect rainwater to shower in.  we want a huge fruit and vegetable garden.  i want to spend the change of each season jarring food to have on hand for the rest of the year.  we want to live off the grid and be self sufficient.

i want to continue to work from home.  i love the idea of being home with my kids and still being able to bring in some money for the family.

i want to wake up in the morning and only hear the sound of the birds and the water nearby.  i want to walk out my front door and not see a neighbour anywhere.  i want to see the sun rise over the peaks and set over the lake.  i want to have weinie and marshmellow roasts in the backyard whenever the kids want to.

i just want to be.

i don't want to worry about rushhour traffic or road rage.  i don't want to hear the neighbours through the wall.  i want peace, quiet, nature and freedom.

we want to be close enough to a larger town so that we have amenities when we need them, and C will need to work, of course.  we hope that there might be a job for him with Parks Canada, or one of the local resorts.  we have looked at the Alberta side of the Rockies and the BC side, and there are some amazing properties out there.

so as we both get up for work each day, this is what we are working towards.  talking about this dream makes us smile, brings us closer and makes our hearts sing.

it is going to be one hell of a happy ever after.

i licked the bowl clean

it is amazing how greatly my mood can change from one day to the next.  yesterday i was vile. 

• i hadn't had my ridiculously neccesary 10 hours of sleep the night before..
• i was swamped and overwhelmed at work all day and it was all in vain; not a penny to show for it...
• i had to feud it out with the government regarding an overpayment of my EI which i magically have to find the money to pay back...
• i was arguing with cem about whether we should do our taxes ourselves or send them out...
• i was upset that the kitchen was a mess and i am almost always the one who actually cleans it...

it just wasn't a good day. 

and then today, after a glorious 10 hours of dead-as-a-log sleep...the sun came out, in every sense!  cem got approved for a new work schedule that will grant us enough money to both pay the rent AND buy groceries!  he also got approved for the jaunt we are taking to BC for my cousin's wedding next month.  i organized a payment plan with the government.  i have a booking in the works at work.  my legs ache from yesterday's workout (i like that feeling).  cem is off to a hockey game tonight in the company box which he is thrilled about (so i am thrilled for him).  AND i had such a wicked lunch of faux-alfredo, i licked the bowl clean!

i have struggled a lot lately with a lot of things, which is unlike me.  i am a pretty laid back person and it takes a lot to get me stressed or worried, but my whole life has been a big ball of stress for the last year.  i think there finally might be light at the end of that tunnel.

a lobatomy for one, please

the mean old Shaw cableguy came and took our digital cable boxes away today.  it wasn't because we hadn't paid them or anything, but money is rather tight at the moment and we thought we would downsize.

i think it is a good step, not only because of the savings, but because i think we spend far too much time sitting in front of the tv instead of doing intellectual things like reading, talking to each other, or having wild monkey sex.

but it also means that we have to be subjected to basic cable craziness such as According to Jim and Reba - yikes!  just shoot me now.

now that summer is around the corner, i think that this will help to get us off the couch and out into the real world.  we have become rather anti-social since moving to Calgary.  sure, we don't have many friends here, so it is to be expected.  but with me working at home, cem being off work and home with me for 5 days at a time, and us having no money - i can go weeks without speaking to anyone else but cem and the cats.

the scary thing is, the cats are starting to talk back.

xox

putting it all out there

today i decided, what better way to own up to this need for change, than to post the picture that started the ball rolling.

if you look to your right, i have just posted the glorious Before picture.  it still makes me shake my head to look at it, as i never thought i was that big.  i have the opposite problem of all of the anorexics out there.  instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a fat person, i look in the mirror and see a thin(ish) person.  maybe that is how the problem started.  no one, other than the photographer, has ever seen that photo.

also to your right you have one of my favourite pictures of myself.  skinny, happy, glowing me (circa 2005).  when i come to this page everyday, instead of looking at the Before pic and hating myself, i will look at the Old (soon to be New) Me pic and get excited about becoming that girl again.

i think this week i will take some real progress pic in my underoos (ok, maybe a bit more than that), and post those to keep me accountable. consider that your first warning. it won't be pretty.

anyhow, i had a great weekend and tracked it all, even the three bottles of wine.  i refuse to give up the things i love as i know it will never stick in the long run...and wine is certainly no exception!  ditto to the homemade bread that cem has been making several times a week.  i am a lucky girl.

until next time.
xox

hello, old friend

it has been over 4 years since i wrote in this blog.  and it is amazing what can happen in those four years.

in 2005, i had just returned from a life changing year in australia.  it was a time in my life when i wore a bikini at 200lbs and did not care what anyone thought of me.  i went to the beach 5 days a week and all i ate was chickpeas and tuna because that was all i could afford after drinking away my waitressing tips on the weekends.  it was a good year.

since then, i have changed careers, fallen in love, moved across the country, lived in the deep dark pit of despair that is northern alberta, became a cat momma, got engaged, moved to glorious calgary, started my own business, and have since decided that i want to spend the rest of my days, with the love of my life in the middle of the mountains collecting rainwater to shower in.  i am growing up.

the one thing that has not changed in those four years is the battle with my weight.  the last time i wrote in this blog i was a weight loss consultant who had just shed 40lbs and i was smokin'.  i had confidence (in all my pixie haired glory), i wore a size 10 and i was so happy with myself.

unfortunately, after running out on my career of weight loss counselling, i dove into a vat of kraft dinner and never looked back.  so here i am, with zero self esteem, wearing a size 20 and weighing more than i could have ever imagined.  i feel like it happened overnight and i had no control over it.

i know they say that when you fall in love and are happy that you get a little lax and can gain a few pounds -but i gained 90lbs.  NINETY POUNDS of happiness.  and look where it got me - to the saddest place i have ever been.

i joined weightwatchers a few times over the years to get in control of this weight loss beast and it never took.  this time around on WW, i have lost 12 pounds in 8 months.  seriously?  i could have been down 80lbs by now, and i ate away the opportunity.

so i am hoping that writing about the adventure will get me back on track.  i used to write everyday, and i loved it.  it was cathartic, and i thought it made me a better person.  so i am taking that love of writing, with the severe need to lose weight and am hoping they help get me to where i need to be.

i am getting married in 10 months, and i WILL NOT be wearing a size 20 wedding dress.  i will start trying to have babies as soon as i am married, and i will not be an unhealthy 250lb pregnant woman.

i want to be healthy, i want to be beautiful, i want to be happy with who i am.  it's my time.

online lovin

what is with the stigma around online dating? why are we all so embarrassed to admit that we met someone on "the internet"....oooohhhh...it's like it is a disease or something.

you know what, i think i would be more embarrassed to admit that i made out with someone at a bar, only to find out in the morning from my friends that he had 3 missing teeth and a very thick german accent than if i admitted that i had met someone on lavalife and we went out and had a great time.

i am not ashamed to admit that i have done my fair share of internet dating. i met some great guys, and some not so great guys. some meetings led to absolutely nothing, others led to a bit too much. each encounter is a learning experience and trust me, i have learned A LOT.

i admit i was a little gun-shy in even thinking about getting back on the Lavalife bandwagon, but really, how could it hurt. the worst that can happen: i could get stalked and killed....but think of all of the GOOD possibilities!

as i sat lastnight chatting to my soul mate of the week , i had a bit of a revelation. i think the problem with the internet, is that everyone still assumes that those who look for love online are geeky perverts. so we run away with our hands over our ears if someone even mentions the concept of sex...for they must want to chop up our bodies and use them for Barbie furniture, right? no, not right. if it is acceptable to grope and paw at each other on a club dancefloor and simulate sex with a little vertical Christian Dry Humping, then why on earth can you not tell your online buddy, that yes...you are a sexual being..yes, you plan to have lots of sex in the future..and yes, you just might be the one i want to have it with.

so, here's to online dating...here's to living vicariously through ourselves, and here's to living happily ever after. online or off...if we find who we are looking for, let's just work on being happy, and not worry where we met them.

xox

missin' mistletoe

really, is it inappropriate to want to wear a hat with mistletoe on it all day long? you see, i love mistletoe. i think any excuse in the world to kiss random strangers is just pure genius. because, you see...i also love kissing.

my friend/coworker/partner in crime, "K" and i were talking the other day about all the men we have kissed and discussing our tricks of the trade. disturbingly enough, our tricks of the trade are exactly the same, but we have also come across some of the same types of poor kissers.

first off, there is The Swirler. this is the guy who insists on swirling his tongue in really big fast circles encompassing your whole entire mouth. he doesn't pause for some nice smooching, but just keeps going...forcing your own poor tongue to try and keep up! what a disaster.

then you have The Dead Squid. this fella thinks that it turns you on when he just slips his nasty tongue inside your mouth and doesn't do anything with it. he doesn't move it. he doesn't try to play with yours. he just sits there with his dead fish-esque tongue invading your personal space.

and then you have the guy who has got the kissing itself under control, but doesn't know what to do with everything else. let's just call him Clueless. this is the guy who puts a stiff hand on your knee as you kiss, then moves it stiffly up to your side. there is no caressing with Clueless Man. no tender touches, just a hand as stiff as two by four. from your hip to your arm to your boob he rests that cement hand thinking that it must be driving you wild with pleasure. mm hmm, sure it is.

well....with the mistletoe season upon us, i hope you all take advantage of smooching loved ones. just be sure to take your leave when the dodgey kissing starts. now if only i could find that hat...

xox

take me as i am

it's amazing how from day to day, everything in your life can just turn upside down. one morning, nothing could be better...your love life is actually picking up in a skip-a-beat kind of way, and you are so happy to be going to work in the morning to spend the day laughing and joking and actually making money at the same time. and then the next day, you find yourself questioning how much longer you can stay in your job, and questioning the validity of the relationships you are pursuing.

if only we were given a handbook on life before we are sent out into the world, though i suppose life is a handbook unto itself. we can't appreciate all of the good times, without a few rough ones along the way. but i just wish i could get into people's heads sometimes...find out what makes them tick...find out what exactly they want from me. i feel like everyone wants something different and i am being pulled in so many different directions.

but newsflash, everyone. i am one person. i am the way i am. i am moody, i am too self involved, i eat chocolate when i'm lonley. i can't yell at people, i hate not knowing and i can't stand disorganization. sometimes i like going to bed at 8:30, i like being in control and i am prone to jealousy. i will adore you like no other, but i need to be adored in return, i cook only when neccesary and sometimes have ice cream for breakfast.

i am not a ruthless salesperson, i am not a doormat and i am not financially stable. i need reassurance, i need to be liked and i need to stop spending money. i can't be everything to everyone, but i am doing my best. sometimes you just need to accept someone for who they are, faults and all, and not expect to live up to your every expectation. no one means to dissapoint.

so maybe i am just whining, but sometimes i feel like the world just doesnt get it. doesnt get me. to be honest, i dont even get myself these days. i have to figure out what i want, who i want it from and then go out and find it.

it's just a little scary somtimes. i'm afraid to show the world who i really am...because if i show who i really am, and no one likes it.....thats all i've got.

xox

'tis the season indeed

don't you just love it when your whole world comes together? when all that you have been hoping and praying for finally lands on your doorstep.. wrapped in a pretty little package and sealed with a kiss on the neck? yeah, me too.

xox

excuse me sir, do you have the time?

god i hate lateness. my lateness, other people's lateness, my period's lateness. all of these things stress me out to no end.

personally, i would rather gouge my eye out then to walk in late somewhere. when i was in university, and there was even a remote possibility of me being 3 minutes late to a class...i just wouldn't go. i feel much more accepted sleeping in my bed than walking into a lecture hall with 150 pairs of eyes looking at me. i know that they actually would not be looking at me, no one cares if you are coming in late to a lecture...but i FEEL those eyes.

other people...well that's just a WHOLE OTHER STORY! this happens to be a particularly bad time to ask me how i feel about this as i have been sitting, pining, waiting with baited breath for a phone call from my current Lost Object. sure, he didn't give me an exact time of call-age...so i guess i can't think too poorly of him....lucky sod. but geez, i even cleaned up my dust bunnies for him.

period lateness. another sore spot. not too sure what to say about this one.

so heaven's people... if you know me...if you want to know me..even if you dont know me and never want to... please, for the sake that is all good and holy in the world, don't be late.

xox

i kill bugs dead

as i sit here inhaling Raid fumes, i find myself pondering some of the negatives of being a single girl living alone.

i have just had a very traumatic experience...so traumatic, in fact, that even typing about it gives me goosebumps on every inch of my body and makes me want to vomit onto my keyboard. i just got home from work, was getting changed into my comfies, when i notice all of a sudden, something falling from the ceiling in the kitchen. i look down, nothing. i look up, nothing. i look down again, and up again, and probably do this about 6 times horrifyingly pondering the possibilities of what just fell from my ceiling. flaking paint? no, the apartment is newly painted. a dust bunny? possibly, but they tend to float and not make a noise upon falling. as much as i wanted it to be one of these acceptable objects, i knew it wasn't. i really did know what fell, i was just in denial. it was........ an insect.

now, those who know me well know that i do not get along well with insects. especially those that have 8 creepy, jointed legs. as i stood there in my kitchen clutching the Raid can with white knuckled hands, i feared the worst. then finally, i spied the culprit. it was worse than i thought. it wasn't a spider (for if it was i would probably be hyperventalating in the fetal position right now)...but it was every apartment dwellers worst enemy: a cockroach.

now, dont they say that where there is one cockroach, there is many? i chose not to think about that, but now as i type, i remember my days in australia, waking up to 6 cockroaches dead on the kitchen floor. the thing about oz is that cockraches are like mosquitos...even the cleanest of places have them , so you dont get too worked up... but i think in canada it is different. i know i havent vaccumed in a while, but geeeez, my place isn't THAT dirty.

now, i live in a basement apartment..which, to begin with, is hard enough for me (so many reoccuring childhood dreams of sleeping in basements and getting stabbed with needles)...but i got over that. those darned small windows..yes, unfortunate, but dammit this place is cute and sunshine is highly overrated....but....bugs? heaven help me. what i need is a big burly man to kill my bugs and protect me in the night so that they don't eat me while i sleep. any applicants??

anyhow, it took me about a half hour of spraying, and following that damn bug around my house as it died a slow and painful death (i can't smush bugs, i just can't take the sound....and you have to keep track of it so you don't lose it!)...so i just might be high on Raid at the moment, but i am feeling somewhat satisfied that another one has bitten the dust.

well, if i survive the night i will let you know. if not, you may find my cold body gripping the Raid can while i lay in bed with the covers over my head and a large insect knawing at my leg. just as long as you quote Ani Difranco on my tombstone: "i killed a cockroach so big, it left a puddle of pus on my wall" go ani go..you are obviously more of a woman than i will ever be!

xox

12 steps anyone?

at what point do you go from being just a person who likes to drink.. to being a full fledged alcoholic? what's the fine line? drinking in the morning? drinking at work? how do you decide when you have a problem?

dont get me wrong, i dont exactly think i am an alcoholic..(for the record i do not drink in the morning OR at work)...i just wonder what all the binge drinking is actually doing to my body. i am becoming increasingly disturbed by the fact that there are whole large sections of evenings that i don't even know existed. its rather bizarre actually. it's not like i am drinking any more than i have in the past (just a couple of bottles of red on a saturday night)...but yet the incidences of blackouts are becoming increasingly frequent. i know i am young.. i know i am not the only 20-something who sometimes doesn't remember how she got home at the end of the evening, but i just don't want to be the 40-something who sits at home and drinks herself to death.

what does this realization mean exactly? i would love to be all high and mighty and say that i am going to give up drinking..but i think we need a little realism here, people. maybe it's just time to take it easy for a while. it is the festive holiday season, and i WOULD like to remember the family functions, after all. i think.
so, cheers...to happiness, healthiness and a few more undamaged brain cells!

xox

i'm calm, really i am.

what is it about people in the service industry that makes them think they can keep you waiting at home ALL DAY before they come and perfom said service? well, quite simply, because they can. here i am, twiddling my thumbs waiting for the magic anti-stain people to come and protect my couch. a week too late mind you, as last weekend i spilled baby oil all over it. *sigh* ..and no, you do not want to know.

anyhow, i sit here..afraid to have a shower, afraid to take a pee..because i KNOW, as soon as i am in a compromising position, the fuckers are gonna come to the door! i wonder if they get off on the fact that they have complete power over other people's bodily functions?

i was going to sit here ever so calmly and sew some Marabou Fur onto my new slinky red satin top for tonight's Santa Crawl (picture, if you will, 100 grown men and women ALL dressed as santa claus in some form, and completely pissed off their rockers stumbling in drunken pleasure through the streets and pubs of Bloor West Village. oh the good times to be had. there will indeed be pictures). anyhow, i was going to complete my costume, only to find, in utter dismay, that i dont have a bloody needle! i have got spools of thread coming out the wazoo...but can i find a needle? of course not. so here i sit, as unproductive as humanly possible, waiting for a couch protector dude to treat my already stained couch. i'm so glad i got up early for this!!

xox

smile like you mean it

i find it so fascinating when two people can look at the exact same person yet have two totally different opinions on them. especially when one of those people is yourself and it is YOU you are forming an opinion on.

how can the other person not see the bulges, the cellulite, the cheeks that are far too rosy? can they not see that i am just a scared little girl who is not sure which way to look and is just trying not to fall down. they say confidence is sexy, but what does it mean if other people see it in you, but inside you don't feel it. can you be a Confidence Fraud? a Con of the Con.

this is not a pity party for me, i swear...i am just trying to get my head around this. maybe i am delirious because it is shortly aftter 7am and i am still half asleep. (why i choose to write before my morning coffee i do not know...) are we all programmed to see certain things in people? to look past the bloodshot eyes to the soul...to look past the yellow teeth to the laugh..or past the 36Ds right to the heart.

i need to stop judging. myself, others. it is probably one of those most destructive things one can do, and the toughest to overcome. but i guess, even if you don't feel it in yourself some days...just fake it. walk with your head held high (even if you are looking out of the corner of your eye for icey patches of asphalt) and smile as if everything in your life is going your way..because, actually...it is.

xox

heaven help me if i start wearing Tie Dye (again)

what is it about horoscopes that make you think they are talking directly to you? i know that sometimes we can twist a reading so that it kinda-sorta may have applied to us on a thursday sometime last year...but i tell ya, the dude at http://www.cainer.com/ knows what he is talking about!!

i read my horoscope everyday before heading to work..maybe that makes me a bit of a kook, but i am okay with that........and everyday it rings true. some days, like today really strikes a chord:

"You're not someone who has to have any form of religion or spirituality apart from your normal routine, ethics or sense of service. Your great gift in this lifetime is to live your beliefs truly."

my great gift in this lifetime is to live my beliefs truly. priceless!! how does he come up with these things?! i know it is just a fleeting comment from someone with a bit of clairvoyant talent, but that is one of those phrases that is going to stick with me for some time. everyone always tries to figure out what path to take, what to believe and how to live...and i feel like it has just been given to me on a silver platter...or a dusty monitor at least.

so my quest from here on in, to be conscious of life...conscious of my beliefs..and conscious of my crabby Cancerian self.

now if i could only hold a cigarette and a glass of wine in these pincers of mine.........

xox

to give is to get

i sometimes worry that i am not a good aunt. i never have gum...i never want to play UNO...and i really don't need to see an 8 year old do 13 cartwheels in a row. what does this mean?

a friend recently read my palm and said that i would likely have three children..then followed up her prediction saying, "i really can't see you handling 3 children!"..and really, she is right.

i love babies...i could hold babies all day long. the crying doesnt bother me, the spitting up doesnt bother me, i can even handle changing diapers. but make me responsible for anything that can talk back and request my attention...then i need a glass of wine, some herbal sedatives and a man named sven to massage away my worries.

does this mean i am not meant to have children? will i be one of those mothers who shakes their child to death for chewing with their mouth open? i remember when i was babysitting as a pre-teen and snatching a bottle from a three year old and thinking i was destined to be an abusive parent. how do i know?

i was reading an magazine article today about a man who had no idea of the power that becoming a parent actually have over someone. he became a new person, fully and completely in love with his new baby. he felt like a totally new person; a stranger to what he once was...but really...he had not changed, he had just been found. i want to be found. by a baby..by a man...by a dog..by the sunshine on a december day...i just want to be found. i need to be needed, valued, desired.

and even if i am not needed, i need to need something. today, i need to write. i need to be able to vent, i need to share, i need to be open. i hope this continues...this writing, this giving, this opening up. sometimes i feel too closed and i need to surpass that. i'm quiet you know. please let me be loud.

xox