what is with the stigma around online dating? why are we all so embarrassed to admit that we met someone on "the internet"....oooohhhh...it's like it is a disease or something.
you know what, i think i would be more embarrassed to admit that i made out with someone at a bar, only to find out in the morning from my friends that he had 3 missing teeth and a very thick german accent than if i admitted that i had met someone on lavalife and we went out and had a great time.
i am not ashamed to admit that i have done my fair share of internet dating. i met some great guys, and some not so great guys. some meetings led to absolutely nothing, others led to a bit too much. each encounter is a learning experience and trust me, i have learned A LOT.
i admit i was a little gun-shy in even thinking about getting back on the Lavalife bandwagon, but really, how could it hurt. the worst that can happen: i could get stalked and killed....but think of all of the GOOD possibilities!
as i sat lastnight chatting to my soul mate of the week , i had a bit of a revelation. i think the problem with the internet, is that everyone still assumes that those who look for love online are geeky perverts. so we run away with our hands over our ears if someone even mentions the concept of sex...for they must want to chop up our bodies and use them for Barbie furniture, right? no, not right. if it is acceptable to grope and paw at each other on a club dancefloor and simulate sex with a little vertical Christian Dry Humping, then why on earth can you not tell your online buddy, that yes...you are a sexual being..yes, you plan to have lots of sex in the future..and yes, you just might be the one i want to have it with.
so, here's to online dating...here's to living vicariously through ourselves, and here's to living happily ever after. online or off...if we find who we are looking for, let's just work on being happy, and not worry where we met them.
xox
Friday, December 30, 2005
Sunday, December 18, 2005
missin' mistletoe
really, is it inappropriate to want to wear a hat with
mistletoe on it all day long? you see, i love mistletoe. i think any excuse in the world to kiss random strangers is just pure genius. because, you see...i also love kissing.
my friend/coworker/partner in crime, "K" and i were talking the other day about all the men we have kissed and discussing our tricks of the trade. disturbingly enough, our tricks of the trade are exactly the same, but we have also come across some of the same types of poor kissers.
first off, there is The Swirler. this is the guy who insists on swirling his tongue in really big fast circles encompassing your whole entire mouth. he doesn't pause for some nice smooching, but just keeps going...forcing your own poor tongue to try and keep up! what a disaster.
then you have The Dead Squid. this fella thinks that it turns you on when he just slips his nasty tongue inside your mouth and doesn't do anything with it. he doesn't move it. he doesn't try to play with yours. he just sits there with his dead fish-esque tongue invading your personal space.
and then you have the guy who has got the kissing itself under control, but doesn't know what to do with everything else. let's just call him Clueless. this is the guy who puts a stiff hand on your knee as you kiss, then moves it stiffly up to your side. there is no caressing with Clueless Man. no tender touches, just a hand as stiff as two by four. from your hip to your arm to your boob he rests that cement hand thinking that it must be driving you wild with pleasure. mm hmm, sure it is.
well....with the mistletoe season upon us, i hope you all take advantage of smooching loved ones. just be sure to take your leave when the dodgey kissing starts. now if only i could find that hat...
xox
mistletoe on it all day long? you see, i love mistletoe. i think any excuse in the world to kiss random strangers is just pure genius. because, you see...i also love kissing.my friend/coworker/partner in crime, "K" and i were talking the other day about all the men we have kissed and discussing our tricks of the trade. disturbingly enough, our tricks of the trade are exactly the same, but we have also come across some of the same types of poor kissers.
first off, there is The Swirler. this is the guy who insists on swirling his tongue in really big fast circles encompassing your whole entire mouth. he doesn't pause for some nice smooching, but just keeps going...forcing your own poor tongue to try and keep up! what a disaster.
then you have The Dead Squid. this fella thinks that it turns you on when he just slips his nasty tongue inside your mouth and doesn't do anything with it. he doesn't move it. he doesn't try to play with yours. he just sits there with his dead fish-esque tongue invading your personal space.
and then you have the guy who has got the kissing itself under control, but doesn't know what to do with everything else. let's just call him Clueless. this is the guy who puts a stiff hand on your knee as you kiss, then moves it stiffly up to your side. there is no caressing with Clueless Man. no tender touches, just a hand as stiff as two by four. from your hip to your arm to your boob he rests that cement hand thinking that it must be driving you wild with pleasure. mm hmm, sure it is.
well....with the mistletoe season upon us, i hope you all take advantage of smooching loved ones. just be sure to take your leave when the dodgey kissing starts. now if only i could find that hat...
xox
Saturday, December 17, 2005
take me as i am
it's amazing how from day to day, everything in your life can just turn upside down. one morning, nothing could be better...your love life is actually picking up in a skip-a-beat kind of way, and you are so happy to be going to work in the morning to spend the day laughing and joking and actually making money at the same time. and then the next day, you find yourself questioning how much longer you can stay in your job, and questioning the validity of the relationships you are pursuing.
if only we were given a handbook on life before we are sent out into the world, though i suppose life is a handbook unto itself. we can't appreciate all of the good times, without a few rough ones along the way. but i just wish i could get into people's heads sometimes...find out what makes them tick...find out what exactly they want from me. i feel like everyone wants something different and i am being pulled in so many different directions.
but newsflash, everyone. i am one person. i am the way i am. i am moody, i am too self involved, i eat chocolate when i'm lonley. i can't yell at people, i hate not knowing and i can't stand disorganization. sometimes i like going to bed at 8:30, i like being in control and i am prone to jealousy. i will adore you like no other, but i need to be adored in return, i cook only when neccesary and sometimes have ice cream for breakfast.
i am not a ruthless salesperson, i am not a doormat and i am not financially stable. i need reassurance, i need to be liked and i need to stop spending money. i can't be everything to everyone, but i am doing my best. sometimes you just need to accept someone for who they are, faults and all, and not expect to live up to your every expectation. no one means to dissapoint.
so maybe i am just whining, but sometimes i feel like the world just doesnt get it. doesnt get me. to be honest, i dont even get myself these days. i have to figure out what i want, who i want it from and then go out and find it.
it's just a little scary somtimes. i'm afraid to show the world who i really am...because if i show who i really am, and no one likes it.....thats all i've got.
xox
if only we were given a handbook on life before we are sent out into the world, though i suppose life is a handbook unto itself. we can't appreciate all of the good times, without a few rough ones along the way. but i just wish i could get into people's heads sometimes...find out what makes them tick...find out what exactly they want from me. i feel like everyone wants something different and i am being pulled in so many different directions.
but newsflash, everyone. i am one person. i am the way i am. i am moody, i am too self involved, i eat chocolate when i'm lonley. i can't yell at people, i hate not knowing and i can't stand disorganization. sometimes i like going to bed at 8:30, i like being in control and i am prone to jealousy. i will adore you like no other, but i need to be adored in return, i cook only when neccesary and sometimes have ice cream for breakfast.
i am not a ruthless salesperson, i am not a doormat and i am not financially stable. i need reassurance, i need to be liked and i need to stop spending money. i can't be everything to everyone, but i am doing my best. sometimes you just need to accept someone for who they are, faults and all, and not expect to live up to your every expectation. no one means to dissapoint.
so maybe i am just whining, but sometimes i feel like the world just doesnt get it. doesnt get me. to be honest, i dont even get myself these days. i have to figure out what i want, who i want it from and then go out and find it.
it's just a little scary somtimes. i'm afraid to show the world who i really am...because if i show who i really am, and no one likes it.....thats all i've got.
xox
Monday, December 12, 2005
'tis the season indeed
don't you just love it when your whole world comes together? when all that you have been hoping and praying for finally lands on your doorstep.. wrapped in a pretty little package and sealed with a kiss on the neck? yeah, me too.
xox
xox
Thursday, December 08, 2005
excuse me sir, do you have the time?
god i hate lateness. my lateness, other people's lateness, my period's lateness. all of these things stress me out to no end.
personally, i would rather gouge my eye out then to walk in late somewhere. when i was in university, and there was even a remote possibility of me being 3 minutes late to a class...i just wouldn't go. i feel much more accepted sleeping in my bed than walking into a lecture hall with 150 pairs of eyes looking at me. i know that they actually would not be looking at me, no one cares if you are coming in late to a lecture...but i FEEL those eyes.
other people...well that's just a WHOLE OTHER STORY! this happens to be a particularly bad time to ask me how i feel about this as i have been sitting, pining, waiting with baited breath for a phone call from my current Lost Object. sure, he didn't give me an exact time of call-age...so i guess i can't think too poorly of him....lucky sod. but geez, i even cleaned up my dust bunnies for him.
period lateness. another sore spot. not too sure what to say about this one.
so heaven's people... if you know me...if you want to know me..even if you dont know me and never want to... please, for the sake that is all good and holy in the world, don't be late.
xox
personally, i would rather gouge my eye out then to walk in late somewhere. when i was in university, and there was even a remote possibility of me being 3 minutes late to a class...i just wouldn't go. i feel much more accepted sleeping in my bed than walking into a lecture hall with 150 pairs of eyes looking at me. i know that they actually would not be looking at me, no one cares if you are coming in late to a lecture...but i FEEL those eyes.
other people...well that's just a WHOLE OTHER STORY! this happens to be a particularly bad time to ask me how i feel about this as i have been sitting, pining, waiting with baited breath for a phone call from my current Lost Object. sure, he didn't give me an exact time of call-age...so i guess i can't think too poorly of him....lucky sod. but geez, i even cleaned up my dust bunnies for him.
period lateness. another sore spot. not too sure what to say about this one.
so heaven's people... if you know me...if you want to know me..even if you dont know me and never want to... please, for the sake that is all good and holy in the world, don't be late.
xox
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
i kill bugs dead
as i sit here inhaling Raid fumes, i find myself pondering some of the negatives of being a single girl living alone.
i have just had a very traumatic experience...so traumatic, in fact, that even typing about it gives me goosebumps on every inch of my body and makes me want to vomit onto my keyboard. i just got home from work, was getting changed into my comfies, when i notice all of a sudden, something falling from the ceiling in the kitchen. i look down, nothing. i look up, nothing. i look down again, and up again, and probably do this about 6 times horrifyingly pondering the possibilities of what just fell from my ceiling. flaking paint? no, the apartment is newly painted. a dust bunny? possibly, but they tend to float and not make a noise upon falling. as much as i wanted it to be one of these acceptable objects, i knew it wasn't. i really did know what fell, i was just in denial. it was........ an insect.
now, those who know me well know that i do not get along well with insects. especially those that have 8 creepy, jointed legs. as i stood there in my kitchen clutching the Raid can with white knuckled hands, i feared the worst. then finally, i spied the culprit. it was worse than i thought. it wasn't a spider (for if it was i would probably be hyperventalating in the fetal position right now)...but it was every apartment dwellers worst enemy: a cockroach.
now, dont they say that where there is one cockroach, there is many? i chose not to think about that, but now as i type, i remember my days in australia, waking up to 6 cockroaches dead on the kitchen floor. the thing about oz is that cockraches are like mosquitos...even the cleanest of places have them , so you dont get too worked up... but i think in canada it is different. i know i havent vaccumed in a while, but geeeez, my place isn't THAT dirty.
now, i live in a basement apartment..which, to begin with, is hard enough for me (so many reoccuring childhood dreams of sleeping in basements and getting stabbed with needles)...but i got over that. those darned small windows..yes, unfortunate, but dammit this place is cute and sunshine is highly overrated....but....bugs? heaven help me. what i need is a big burly man to kill my bugs and protect me in the night so that they don't eat me while i sleep. any applicants??
anyhow, it took me about a half hour of spraying, and following that damn bug around my house as it died a slow and painful death (i can't smush bugs, i just can't take the sound....and you have to keep track of it so you don't lose it!)...so i just might be high on Raid at the moment, but i am feeling somewhat satisfied that another one has bitten the dust.
well, if i survive the night i will let you know. if not, you may find my cold body gripping the Raid can while i lay in bed with the covers over my head and a large insect knawing at my leg. just as long as you quote Ani Difranco on my tombstone: "i killed a cockroach so big, it left a puddle of pus on my wall" go ani go..you are obviously more of a woman than i will ever be!
xox
i have just had a very traumatic experience...so traumatic, in fact, that even typing about it gives me goosebumps on every inch of my body and makes me want to vomit onto my keyboard. i just got home from work, was getting changed into my comfies, when i notice all of a sudden, something falling from the ceiling in the kitchen. i look down, nothing. i look up, nothing. i look down again, and up again, and probably do this about 6 times horrifyingly pondering the possibilities of what just fell from my ceiling. flaking paint? no, the apartment is newly painted. a dust bunny? possibly, but they tend to float and not make a noise upon falling. as much as i wanted it to be one of these acceptable objects, i knew it wasn't. i really did know what fell, i was just in denial. it was........ an insect.
now, those who know me well know that i do not get along well with insects. especially those that have 8 creepy, jointed legs. as i stood there in my kitchen clutching the Raid can with white knuckled hands, i feared the worst. then finally, i spied the culprit. it was worse than i thought. it wasn't a spider (for if it was i would probably be hyperventalating in the fetal position right now)...but it was every apartment dwellers worst enemy: a cockroach.
now, dont they say that where there is one cockroach, there is many? i chose not to think about that, but now as i type, i remember my days in australia, waking up to 6 cockroaches dead on the kitchen floor. the thing about oz is that cockraches are like mosquitos...even the cleanest of places have them , so you dont get too worked up... but i think in canada it is different. i know i havent vaccumed in a while, but geeeez, my place isn't THAT dirty.
now, i live in a basement apartment..which, to begin with, is hard enough for me (so many reoccuring childhood dreams of sleeping in basements and getting stabbed with needles)...but i got over that. those darned small windows..yes, unfortunate, but dammit this place is cute and sunshine is highly overrated....but....bugs? heaven help me. what i need is a big burly man to kill my bugs and protect me in the night so that they don't eat me while i sleep. any applicants??
anyhow, it took me about a half hour of spraying, and following that damn bug around my house as it died a slow and painful death (i can't smush bugs, i just can't take the sound....and you have to keep track of it so you don't lose it!)...so i just might be high on Raid at the moment, but i am feeling somewhat satisfied that another one has bitten the dust.
well, if i survive the night i will let you know. if not, you may find my cold body gripping the Raid can while i lay in bed with the covers over my head and a large insect knawing at my leg. just as long as you quote Ani Difranco on my tombstone: "i killed a cockroach so big, it left a puddle of pus on my wall" go ani go..you are obviously more of a woman than i will ever be!
xox
Sunday, December 04, 2005
12 steps anyone?
at what point do you go from being just a person who likes to drink.. to being a full fledged alcoholic? what's the fine line? drinking in the morning? drinking at work? how do you decide when you have a problem?
dont get me wrong, i dont exactly think i am an alcoholic..(for the record i do not drink in the morning OR at work)...i just wonder what all the binge drinking is actually doing to my body. i am becoming increasingly disturbed by the fact that there are whole large sections of evenings that i don't even know existed. its rather bizarre actually. it's not like i am drinking any more than i have in the past (just a couple of bottles of red on a saturday night)...but yet the incidences of blackouts are becoming increasingly frequent. i know i am young.. i know i am not the only 20-something who sometimes doesn't remember how she got home at the end of the evening, but i just don't want to be the 40-something who sits at home and drinks herself to death.
what does this realization mean exactly? i would love to be all high and mighty and say that i am going to give up drinking..but i think we need a little realism here, people. maybe it's just time to take it easy for a while. it is the festive holiday season, and i WOULD like to remember the family functions, after all. i think.
so, cheers...to happiness, healthiness and a few more undamaged brain cells!
xox
dont get me wrong, i dont exactly think i am an alcoholic..(for the record i do not drink in the morning OR at work)...i just wonder what all the binge drinking is actually doing to my body. i am becoming increasingly disturbed by the fact that there are whole large sections of evenings that i don't even know existed. its rather bizarre actually. it's not like i am drinking any more than i have in the past (just a couple of bottles of red on a saturday night)...but yet the incidences of blackouts are becoming increasingly frequent. i know i am young.. i know i am not the only 20-something who sometimes doesn't remember how she got home at the end of the evening, but i just don't want to be the 40-something who sits at home and drinks herself to death.
what does this realization mean exactly? i would love to be all high and mighty and say that i am going to give up drinking..but i think we need a little realism here, people. maybe it's just time to take it easy for a while. it is the festive holiday season, and i WOULD like to remember the family functions, after all. i think.
so, cheers...to happiness, healthiness and a few more undamaged brain cells!
xox
Saturday, December 03, 2005
i'm calm, really i am.
what is it about people in the service industry that makes them think they can keep you waiting at home ALL DAY before they come and perfom said service? well, quite simply, because they can. here i am, twiddling my thumbs waiting for the magic anti-stain people to come and protect my couch. a week too late mind you, as last weekend i spilled baby oil all over it. *sigh* ..and no, you do not want to know.
anyhow, i sit here..afraid to have a shower, afraid to take a pee..because i KNOW, as soon as i am in a compromising position, the fuckers are gonna come to the door! i wonder if they get off on the fact that they have complete power over other people's bodily functions?
i was going to sit here ever so calmly and sew some Marabou Fur onto my new slinky red satin top for tonight's Santa Crawl (picture, if you will, 100 grown men and women ALL dressed as santa claus in some form, and completely pissed off their rockers stumbling in drunken pleasure through the streets and pubs of Bloor West Village. oh the good times to be had. there will indeed be pictures). anyhow, i was going to complete my costume, only to find, in utter dismay, that i dont have a bloody needle! i have got spools of thread coming out the wazoo...but can i find a needle? of course not. so here i sit, as unproductive as humanly possible, waiting for a couch protector dude to treat my already stained couch. i'm so glad i got up early for this!!
xox
anyhow, i sit here..afraid to have a shower, afraid to take a pee..because i KNOW, as soon as i am in a compromising position, the fuckers are gonna come to the door! i wonder if they get off on the fact that they have complete power over other people's bodily functions?
i was going to sit here ever so calmly and sew some Marabou Fur onto my new slinky red satin top for tonight's Santa Crawl (picture, if you will, 100 grown men and women ALL dressed as santa claus in some form, and completely pissed off their rockers stumbling in drunken pleasure through the streets and pubs of Bloor West Village. oh the good times to be had. there will indeed be pictures). anyhow, i was going to complete my costume, only to find, in utter dismay, that i dont have a bloody needle! i have got spools of thread coming out the wazoo...but can i find a needle? of course not. so here i sit, as unproductive as humanly possible, waiting for a couch protector dude to treat my already stained couch. i'm so glad i got up early for this!!
xox
Thursday, December 01, 2005
smile like you mean it
i find it so fascinating when two people can look at the exact same person yet have two totally different opinions on them. especially when one of those people is yourself and it is YOU you are forming an opinion on.
how can the other person not see the bulges, the cellulite, the cheeks that are far too rosy? can they not see that i am just a scared little girl who is not sure which way to look and is just trying not to fall down. they say confidence is sexy, but what does it mean if other people see it in you, but inside you don't feel it. can you be a Confidence Fraud? a Con of the Con.
this is not a pity party for me, i swear...i am just trying to get my head around this. maybe i am delirious because it is shortly aftter 7am and i am still half asleep. (why i choose to write before my morning coffee i do not know...) are we all programmed to see certain things in people? to look past the bloodshot eyes to the soul...to look past the yellow teeth to the laugh..or past the 36Ds right to the heart.
i need to stop judging. myself, others. it is probably one of those most destructive things one can do, and the toughest to overcome. but i guess, even if you don't feel it in yourself some days...just fake it. walk with your head held high (even if you are looking out of the corner of your eye for icey patches of asphalt) and smile as if everything in your life is going your way..because, actually...it is.
xox
how can the other person not see the bulges, the cellulite, the cheeks that are far too rosy? can they not see that i am just a scared little girl who is not sure which way to look and is just trying not to fall down. they say confidence is sexy, but what does it mean if other people see it in you, but inside you don't feel it. can you be a Confidence Fraud? a Con of the Con.
this is not a pity party for me, i swear...i am just trying to get my head around this. maybe i am delirious because it is shortly aftter 7am and i am still half asleep. (why i choose to write before my morning coffee i do not know...) are we all programmed to see certain things in people? to look past the bloodshot eyes to the soul...to look past the yellow teeth to the laugh..or past the 36Ds right to the heart.
i need to stop judging. myself, others. it is probably one of those most destructive things one can do, and the toughest to overcome. but i guess, even if you don't feel it in yourself some days...just fake it. walk with your head held high (even if you are looking out of the corner of your eye for icey patches of asphalt) and smile as if everything in your life is going your way..because, actually...it is.
xox
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
heaven help me if i start wearing Tie Dye (again)
what is it about horoscopes that make you think they are talking directly to you? i know that sometimes we can twist a reading so that it kinda-sorta may have applied to us on a thursday sometime last year...but i tell ya, the dude at http://www.cainer.com/ knows what he is talking about!!
i read my horoscope everyday before heading to work..maybe that makes me a bit of a kook, but i am okay with that........and everyday it rings true. some days, like today really strikes a chord:
"You're not someone who has to have any form of religion or spirituality apart from your normal routine, ethics or sense of service. Your great gift in this lifetime is to live your beliefs truly."
my great gift in this lifetime is to live my beliefs truly. priceless!! how does he come up with these things?! i know it is just a fleeting comment from someone with a bit of clairvoyant talent, but that is one of those phrases that is going to stick with me for some time. everyone always tries to figure out what path to take, what to believe and how to live...and i feel like it has just been given to me on a silver platter...or a dusty monitor at least.
so my quest from here on in, to be conscious of life...conscious of my beliefs..and conscious of my crabby Cancerian self.
now if i could only hold a cigarette and a glass of wine in these pincers of mine.........
xox
i read my horoscope everyday before heading to work..maybe that makes me a bit of a kook, but i am okay with that........and everyday it rings true. some days, like today really strikes a chord:
"You're not someone who has to have any form of religion or spirituality apart from your normal routine, ethics or sense of service. Your great gift in this lifetime is to live your beliefs truly."
my great gift in this lifetime is to live my beliefs truly. priceless!! how does he come up with these things?! i know it is just a fleeting comment from someone with a bit of clairvoyant talent, but that is one of those phrases that is going to stick with me for some time. everyone always tries to figure out what path to take, what to believe and how to live...and i feel like it has just been given to me on a silver platter...or a dusty monitor at least.
so my quest from here on in, to be conscious of life...conscious of my beliefs..and conscious of my crabby Cancerian self.
now if i could only hold a cigarette and a glass of wine in these pincers of mine.........
xox
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
to give is to get
i sometimes worry that i am not a good aunt. i never have gum...i never want to play UNO...and i really don't need to see an 8 year old do 13 cartwheels in a row. what does this mean?
a friend recently read my palm and said that i would likely have three children..then followed up her prediction saying, "i really can't see you handling 3 children!"..and really, she is right.
i love babies...i could hold babies all day long. the crying doesnt bother me, the spitting up doesnt bother me, i can even handle changing diapers. but make me responsible for anything that can talk back and request my attention...then i need a glass of wine, some herbal sedatives and a man named sven to massage away my worries.
does this mean i am not meant to have children? will i be one of those mothers who shakes their child to death for chewing with their mouth open? i remember when i was babysitting as a pre-teen and snatching a bottle from a three year old and thinking i was destined to be an abusive parent. how do i know?
i was reading an magazine article today about a man who had no idea of the power that becoming a parent actually have over someone. he became a new person, fully and completely in love with his new baby. he felt like a totally new person; a stranger to what he once was...but really...he had not changed, he had just been found. i want to be found. by a baby..by a man...by a dog..by the sunshine on a december day...i just want to be found. i need to be needed, valued, desired.
and even if i am not needed, i need to need something. today, i need to write. i need to be able to vent, i need to share, i need to be open. i hope this continues...this writing, this giving, this opening up. sometimes i feel too closed and i need to surpass that. i'm quiet you know. please let me be loud.
xox
a friend recently read my palm and said that i would likely have three children..then followed up her prediction saying, "i really can't see you handling 3 children!"..and really, she is right.
i love babies...i could hold babies all day long. the crying doesnt bother me, the spitting up doesnt bother me, i can even handle changing diapers. but make me responsible for anything that can talk back and request my attention...then i need a glass of wine, some herbal sedatives and a man named sven to massage away my worries.
does this mean i am not meant to have children? will i be one of those mothers who shakes their child to death for chewing with their mouth open? i remember when i was babysitting as a pre-teen and snatching a bottle from a three year old and thinking i was destined to be an abusive parent. how do i know?
i was reading an magazine article today about a man who had no idea of the power that becoming a parent actually have over someone. he became a new person, fully and completely in love with his new baby. he felt like a totally new person; a stranger to what he once was...but really...he had not changed, he had just been found. i want to be found. by a baby..by a man...by a dog..by the sunshine on a december day...i just want to be found. i need to be needed, valued, desired.
and even if i am not needed, i need to need something. today, i need to write. i need to be able to vent, i need to share, i need to be open. i hope this continues...this writing, this giving, this opening up. sometimes i feel too closed and i need to surpass that. i'm quiet you know. please let me be loud.
xox
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
ode to laugh lines
i was looking at my wrinkles today. after having dyed away my grey hair the other day while pondering my ticking internal clock, i found myself wondering what kind of anti-aging eye cream to purchase. what the hell?! i am 26 years old...i have lived a great, full life thus far (which hasnt been all that long in the grand scheme of things), and every wrinkle and laugh line on my face, i have earned..and frankly, i should be damned proud. the whole crazy preoccupation of looking younger than we are made me think of one of my favourite mottos for life:
..."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO - What a Ride! "
so get out there...stop worrying about that grey hair or that pimple. stop comparing yourself to others, and just do what makes you feel good. you wont be laying in your death bed wishing that you had purchased that eye cream...so go out there, get a sunburn while smoking a cigarette and downing a bottle of tequila and enjoy every minute of it!
xox
..."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO - What a Ride! "
so get out there...stop worrying about that grey hair or that pimple. stop comparing yourself to others, and just do what makes you feel good. you wont be laying in your death bed wishing that you had purchased that eye cream...so go out there, get a sunburn while smoking a cigarette and downing a bottle of tequila and enjoy every minute of it!
xox
Thursday, September 01, 2005
danger: ambition overload
sometimes i find myself in a flurry of too many thoughts. i feel like my mind is pulling me in so many directions, trying to make sense of my life...but i get so overwhelmed and just end up stagnant, doing the same things everyday.
at what point does it become easier to make sense of all these dreams? these ambitions? i sometimes feel like i need a sign from the stars that will just tell me which pathway to take, so i can stop stressing about it. i found myself in a full blown panic attack the other night, complete with nausea and the shakes...it was as if my whole body just short-circuited and shut down. i have analyzed the heck out of my life in the following days...and do you know what life altering decision i ended up making? abosolute nothing.
i realized that it is okay to be confused. that the world will not end if i dont decide by Labour Day what career path i should take. i need to take a personal inventory, play around with a few ideas, and maybe at that point things will be a little clearer. who knows, by this time next year i may be in new zealand working as a divemaster. i may be out in BC working in a winery, gathering the tools to perhaps one day open my own. perhaps i will be selling some of my photos to lonely planet or national geograpahic. or maybe i will be sitting at this same computer on this uncomfortable wooden stool making a living writing about my future nervous breakdowns. and you know, maybe i will even enjoy it!
so until then, pardon me if i bombard you with uncertainties and pipedreams. is that not what life is all about anyhow? maybe the most exciting thing to look forward to, is not knowing at all.
xox
at what point does it become easier to make sense of all these dreams? these ambitions? i sometimes feel like i need a sign from the stars that will just tell me which pathway to take, so i can stop stressing about it. i found myself in a full blown panic attack the other night, complete with nausea and the shakes...it was as if my whole body just short-circuited and shut down. i have analyzed the heck out of my life in the following days...and do you know what life altering decision i ended up making? abosolute nothing.
i realized that it is okay to be confused. that the world will not end if i dont decide by Labour Day what career path i should take. i need to take a personal inventory, play around with a few ideas, and maybe at that point things will be a little clearer. who knows, by this time next year i may be in new zealand working as a divemaster. i may be out in BC working in a winery, gathering the tools to perhaps one day open my own. perhaps i will be selling some of my photos to lonely planet or national geograpahic. or maybe i will be sitting at this same computer on this uncomfortable wooden stool making a living writing about my future nervous breakdowns. and you know, maybe i will even enjoy it!
so until then, pardon me if i bombard you with uncertainties and pipedreams. is that not what life is all about anyhow? maybe the most exciting thing to look forward to, is not knowing at all.
xox
Thursday, August 18, 2005
it's not the little things that matter
cuz im not so little anymore!!
..so i never claimed that math was my strong point..and that was certainly demonstrated yesterday when i was trying to figure out someone else's height and realized that i had the math all wrong! without getting into the nitty gritty, let me just leave you with the only tidbit that matters.....IM NOT 5'4!!!!!!!
i am back into the world of 5'5 (though, i am rounding up a little more than i thought neccesary)....but at least im not rounding up to 5'4 like i was before. who knew that this actually mattered that much? ...or does it actually matter all?
all i know, is that once again, all is well and right in the (non-midget) world...
xox
..so i never claimed that math was my strong point..and that was certainly demonstrated yesterday when i was trying to figure out someone else's height and realized that i had the math all wrong! without getting into the nitty gritty, let me just leave you with the only tidbit that matters.....IM NOT 5'4!!!!!!!
i am back into the world of 5'5 (though, i am rounding up a little more than i thought neccesary)....but at least im not rounding up to 5'4 like i was before. who knew that this actually mattered that much? ...or does it actually matter all?
all i know, is that once again, all is well and right in the (non-midget) world...
xox
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
forced to let go
isn't it amazing how people from your past can just sneak up on you and kick you right where it hurts? people who have been out of your life for years and years....the same people you saw evolve into grownups, but you thought you would never hear from again?
i got an MSN message lastnight, just as i had hopped into bed...and of course, curiousity got to me...so i checked up on it. turns out it was an old flame of mine. someone who i once thought was my soulmate. anyhow, we last talked about a year ago and he told me that he was planning on asking his current girlfriend (the one that came right after me) to marry him. i figured it was coming, so i wasn't all that taken aback.
so, then, you ask.....why would i feel like i had been kicked in the gut when i was so lovingly informed lastnight that she was expecting his child?
babies are just so final i guess....and just knowing that this guy had gone from virginal churchgoer to party-dude to loving father caught me a little off guard. everyone around me is growing up and i am kind of being left behind.
so after the shock (and nausea) had subsided, i got over it...i wish all the best for him, i really do...but next time, i hope the old beaus keep the juicy details to themselves.
xox
i got an MSN message lastnight, just as i had hopped into bed...and of course, curiousity got to me...so i checked up on it. turns out it was an old flame of mine. someone who i once thought was my soulmate. anyhow, we last talked about a year ago and he told me that he was planning on asking his current girlfriend (the one that came right after me) to marry him. i figured it was coming, so i wasn't all that taken aback.
so, then, you ask.....why would i feel like i had been kicked in the gut when i was so lovingly informed lastnight that she was expecting his child?
babies are just so final i guess....and just knowing that this guy had gone from virginal churchgoer to party-dude to loving father caught me a little off guard. everyone around me is growing up and i am kind of being left behind.
so after the shock (and nausea) had subsided, i got over it...i wish all the best for him, i really do...but next time, i hope the old beaus keep the juicy details to themselves.
xox
Saturday, August 06, 2005
cuz joe said so...
so i have this busdriver named joe. he drives me to work everyday, accosting me as soon as i get on the bus so i will sit close to him and chat for the whole engrossing 20 minute ride. you know that annoying chick who sits up front and talks to the driver? ya, thats me.
joe and i talk about things all across the spectrum, from psychics and family to barbequeing and wine. today's topic of conversation? one of joe's favourite...my love life.
joe has been away on holiday for a couple of weeks (it was amazing to actually get caught up on my reading in one of the backseats like a normal person while he was gone), and he wanted some updates on my dates and the weddings i have been to. so i filled him in on the fiasco with the ex and he jumped right in with his usual, "oh pam, you will know when you find someone right...relationships are all about compromise, but you have to find someone who actually CARES about you, not just someone who likes you.." followed with the ever so flattering yet totally overdone, "you are so attractive, beautiful and nice, that you will find the right guy."
we occasioanlly touch on things a little more controversial, such as the multicultural state of mississauga or child rearing. he has a funny way of saying something that i disagree with off the bat, but that suddenly makes sense coming from a little 50-something italian fella. today, it was the concept of people making mistakes.
joe started off the discussion by saying that no one actually makes mistakes unless they want to. i jumped in with an immediate rebuttal (sometimes a mistake actually is a mistake...), but i tell ya, i think joe actually does know what he is talking about. he made me realize that in life (or in this particular case, a relationship), a person almost always know whats the consequences are. a person who cheats knows that the person he is cheating on will get hurt. there is no mistake in cheating, it is merely a choice. you chose to make a wrong decision, you chose your actions and you chose your own course of action.
i am often guilty of giving someone the benefit of the doubt (everyone deserves a fair chance, right?)..but sometimes you have just gotta stand up for yourself...and i have given a few too many people a few too many chances.
from now on, *I* am the one who is going to do the chosing. *I* am the one who is going to stop getting hurt, and *I* am the one who is gonna take my life (and my relationships) into my own hands! it may have taken me 26 years to figure this out, but i think it's about time that is sunk in.
now if only i could get a date with that transfer.....
xox
joe and i talk about things all across the spectrum, from psychics and family to barbequeing and wine. today's topic of conversation? one of joe's favourite...my love life.
joe has been away on holiday for a couple of weeks (it was amazing to actually get caught up on my reading in one of the backseats like a normal person while he was gone), and he wanted some updates on my dates and the weddings i have been to. so i filled him in on the fiasco with the ex and he jumped right in with his usual, "oh pam, you will know when you find someone right...relationships are all about compromise, but you have to find someone who actually CARES about you, not just someone who likes you.." followed with the ever so flattering yet totally overdone, "you are so attractive, beautiful and nice, that you will find the right guy."
we occasioanlly touch on things a little more controversial, such as the multicultural state of mississauga or child rearing. he has a funny way of saying something that i disagree with off the bat, but that suddenly makes sense coming from a little 50-something italian fella. today, it was the concept of people making mistakes.
joe started off the discussion by saying that no one actually makes mistakes unless they want to. i jumped in with an immediate rebuttal (sometimes a mistake actually is a mistake...), but i tell ya, i think joe actually does know what he is talking about. he made me realize that in life (or in this particular case, a relationship), a person almost always know whats the consequences are. a person who cheats knows that the person he is cheating on will get hurt. there is no mistake in cheating, it is merely a choice. you chose to make a wrong decision, you chose your actions and you chose your own course of action.
i am often guilty of giving someone the benefit of the doubt (everyone deserves a fair chance, right?)..but sometimes you have just gotta stand up for yourself...and i have given a few too many people a few too many chances.
from now on, *I* am the one who is going to do the chosing. *I* am the one who is going to stop getting hurt, and *I* am the one who is gonna take my life (and my relationships) into my own hands! it may have taken me 26 years to figure this out, but i think it's about time that is sunk in.
now if only i could get a date with that transfer.....
xox
Thursday, August 04, 2005
life as i have known it has been forever altered
i had a very upsetting realization today. i dont know why it is so important, but the matter of the fact is that, yes, it *IS* upsetting and there is not a cotton-pickin thing i can do about it. it changes who i am and what i believe myself to be. yes everyone, this is big.
today i found out, ever so dissapointingly, that i am only 5 ' 4" tall. all my life, (well, my full grown adult life)..i have always been 5'5. it was a good number. a nice symmetrical number...a NORMAL number. but today, i have been deemed "short."
who knew my height had such a bearing on who i was...but come on people, 5 foot 4??! and that is pushing it...i actually had to round UP! so what do i do with this information? do i go and change my licence? do i have to actually phone everyone in my phone book who describes me as the one with "blue eyes, brown hair, 5 foot 5 inches tall.." and let them know the dirty truth of the matter? or do i continue the facade?
i've always known i would shrink as i got older, but between the extra grey hair today and the height thing today...it can get pretty darn depressing. pretty soon i'm gonna have to wear heels on the bus so joe can see me over the ticket taker!
so to all those i know, please prepare yourselves to see the Incredible Shrinking Woman the next time we are together...and to the Machete Weilding Little Lady whose job-loss is still being blamed on me....HA HA, im still taller than you!!
xox
today i found out, ever so dissapointingly, that i am only 5 ' 4" tall. all my life, (well, my full grown adult life)..i have always been 5'5. it was a good number. a nice symmetrical number...a NORMAL number. but today, i have been deemed "short."
who knew my height had such a bearing on who i was...but come on people, 5 foot 4??! and that is pushing it...i actually had to round UP! so what do i do with this information? do i go and change my licence? do i have to actually phone everyone in my phone book who describes me as the one with "blue eyes, brown hair, 5 foot 5 inches tall.." and let them know the dirty truth of the matter? or do i continue the facade?
i've always known i would shrink as i got older, but between the extra grey hair today and the height thing today...it can get pretty darn depressing. pretty soon i'm gonna have to wear heels on the bus so joe can see me over the ticket taker!
so to all those i know, please prepare yourselves to see the Incredible Shrinking Woman the next time we are together...and to the Machete Weilding Little Lady whose job-loss is still being blamed on me....HA HA, im still taller than you!!
xox
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